Vintage banana

2012's New Year's resolutions!

2012-01-02T08:49:00.000-08:00

So here's last year's resolutions.
1. Buy as many colours of tank tops as possible.
2. Do all my tutorials.
3. Mate my hamsters. (Check)
4. Make a play pen for my hamsters. (Check)
5. Stay in school until 8pm everyday to study. (Check)
6. Exercise at least four days a week.
7. Sleep early.
8. Go for more fleas. (Check)
9. Say good morning to my friends.
10. Learn how to fully use my POSB card. (Check)

I was that lame a year ago?
Like exercise four days a week?
U MAD?

Anyways, im here to come up with 2012's 10 resolutions!
Which will be deemed lame when i read it again in 2013.
Thats if the world doesnt end.
(You know how i think the world will end? Satellites will start crashing and there will not be anymore internet, half of the world commits suicide. The end.)

Okay, now for the 10 new year's resolutions!
1. To get into MDIS Fashion Designing course.
2. To get a cute boyfriend.
3. Renovate my room, like seriously i should stop procrastinating.
4. To sketch everyday.
5. Open up a blogshop.
6. Start being independent financially.
7. Get a mannequin.
8. Make a collection as a gift for my mum's b'day.
9. Go to Big Bang's or 2NE1's Concert.
10. Be brave.

I know the last one seems kinda not specific enough.
But i really want that.
And its the only thing thats keeping me from getting somewhere in my life.

Anyways, my family just got Miotv.
And i just watched some documentary on Chanel and Diana Von Furstenberg.
I got to take a look at how the fashion industry works.
And i learn quite a bit from both documentaries.
I realised its not a one man show kinda business, but it requires a whole team of ppl.
Like seriously A WHOLE LOT OF PPL AND A WHOLE LOT OF DEPARTMENTS AND WORK.
It really opened my eyes and realised, i've gotta be a strong, organised leader if i needed to coordinate such a team of ppl.

Another lesson i learnt which is from the documentary on Diana.
Was to not be afraid of one's strength and be brave.
Follow your heart and be brave and confident.
And that fear is not an option.
So if im ever gonna chase my dreams and fulfill my goals,
I gotta step up my game and BE BRAVE.
And the first thing on the list on being brave is to get my ass down to town tomorrow and get myself a job.
To brave thru an interview.
What doesnt kill will not make you stronger.

So brave up little girl, brave up!

Oh and HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!

(Gonna finally meet Sheryl tmr, so im pretty pumped up too!)

Movies suck!

2011-12-20T11:00:00.000-08:00

Okay, so it's 3am.
And I've just finish watching another movie,
Which I honestly thought would be a romantic comedy.
And of course it's not.

Okay, I've been watching movies with storylines about how bestfriends fall for each other.
Or maybe there is just a huge trend in such movies.
But damn, seriously?
Every movie I picked?

Anyways, the thing is, it not real.
Look, if you like the person, you've already express some sort of feelings for each other.
I mean, from the very start.
And if you are determined he is in the friend zone, nothing can possibly change.
I mean, there has to be some sort of reason you placed him there and not any where else in the first place.

My point is, wth, why can't two ppl remain as friends?
It is possible.
Definitely.
Right?
I'm right.

Can you hear the silver bells?

2011-12-19T07:40:00.000-08:00

I dont want a lot for Christmas, there is just one thing i need.
I dont want a lot of presents, underneath the Christmas tree.
I just want you for my own, more than you could ever know.
Make my wish come truuuuuuue,
Cas' baby, all i want for Christmas is youuuuuu.
Youuuuu baby!

Hahaha!!!
Soon, it will be Christmas!
And omgosh, how much i love Christmas songs!
Im serious,
Love them, and love singing them out LOUD,
And i mean, OUT LOUD, like OUT LOUD.
In public.

Its the best time of the year!
Cas' its the time of giving, time of sweaters, time of hot coco and CHRISTMAS SONGS!
Omgosh.
Christmas songs!

Okay enough.

Gonna spent money on ppl on Thursday.
I love spending money on ppl.
More than spending money on myself, really.
Cas' it feels less sinful?

Anyways, i was pretty much ready to go out shopping alone, cas' i dont think i could find anyone to go with me.
But heheh, i asked my friend out pretty shamelessly.

Im getting really shameless and brave these few days, its pretty amazing.
And im quite proud of myself.

I finally realise,
there is nothing to be scared or ashamed about.
Things that doesnt kill you, it'll be fine.
You need something, ask.
You want something, ask.
Not sure of something, ask.
Ppl think you're crazy, you go ahead and whip you hair back and forth.

No really, dont be afraid of rejection or making a fool out of yourself,
Cas' honestly, nobody gives a shit.
Just dont get your face into Stomp and youre fine.
HEH.

May Christmas be filled with fun!
And may 2012 be the best year ever!

Getting my shit going.

2011-12-10T07:59:00.000-08:00

Here i am again.

Been thinking alot lately.
Maybe because im pretty darn free.

You know, im beginning to hate Facebook.
Not only for their pretty shitty, lagging iphone app.
Their really shitty, full of error, slow crap shit photo uploading function.
But also for all the shitty ppl who have boyfriends and all the gleeful photos that makes me feel like a stupid loner.
Esp, the ones with boyfriends that can drive,
Oh god, would you please kill me already.

I know, im just plain ass jealous.
Yet jealousy is the least of my agony.
But like, when would my time come.
Boohoohoo.
And it isnt gonna be better since, yes, im having a freakishly long holiday now,
And while ppl can use all this time to smooch and cuddle, im here, rolling around the house, like literally, no joke, rolling around the freaking house, with the most absolute horrible feeling of loneliness and useless-ness.

So many people are overseas now, like, seriously, in this generation, ppl grow money on trees to fly their asses around the world.
Im not saying im a poor ass, just seriously, wth, it wasnt like this a few yr's ago.
Rmb the times when the mention of flying overseas means you're some rich ass kid and everyone envies you and shit.
And there are ppl that actually no sit, no fly plane before kinda thing.
But now, its like meh, planes, thats nothing, been on a helicopter dude, went to see a zillion waterfalls, oh and skydiving, ate snow, but thats nothing, cas there was skiing, scuba-diving, Eiffel tower, meh, it nothing.

Okay, im going way too far off the point.
The point is,
I dont have a boyfriend okay, and im bored as hell and its pisses my ass off.

But thats not the full story.
Cas' just a while ago, an hr ago, to be exact,
Something came to me.
While sitting on the toilet bowl of course, i mean, thats when all the shit happens.
I mean, thoughts and ideas generate.

Today, we had to pick my bro up from the campsite.
But he was held up a little.
So my dad, mum and myself, we popped over to the yacht club.
We are members there, i dunno why the hell so, since we nvr ever go there.
Well, anyways, there were boats there and stuffs.
And maybe i didnt see the glee in my dad's eyes, nor did my mum.
But she told me, that my dad told her a while afterward that he wanted to retire.
And she asked me what would i think i would be doing four yr's from now.
And of course, my answer was, "Open a shop! Be famous and rich!"
I think i didnt really thought of the reality of it till a while ago.

I mean, all along i keep thinking of my dreams, my goals in life, how am i to get there.
And all along i keep thinking, im still young, i have quite some time to spare to get where i want to go.
Which is true, im young.
But what about my parents?

It hit me real hard.
What about my mum's dream?
And my dad's, which i have just found out today.
It hit me that, they are waiting for me.
For my bro too, i guess.
And yes, i did mention i wanted to fulfill my mum's dream of having a huge house which she can decorate to no end.
The extend of this dream is not what's bothering me, it is the time.
How long can i get this done?
Maybe it was triggered by the fact that she became a little ill a few days ago,
She's fine, my dad's fine.
But each year i grow, each year they wait, they grow a year older, a year weaker.

And you know what they say about old people, its a fact no one can avoid even if they want to.
And it came upon me, that whatever that should happen, i'll never ever forgive myself for making them wait so long for me, and didnt get whatever they wanted in the end.

So my point is, i dont think i have a lot of time.
Not that im implying that my parents will not live long enough.
But the fact that i want to give it to them, as early as possible.
You know right, the longer you have it, the longer the enjoyment.
And all i want is for them to retire early, to become happy earlier.

You may think, oh, im just doing all this for my parents, what about my own life.
Well, this is something that i truly want, more than my own dreams, i dare say.
So thats practically what i wanna and gonna live for-my parents.
Of course, to get there, i gotta fulfill my dreams first and be successful at that before i can afford anything.

So going back to my first point.
Maybe i should finally grow up.
Maybe i should realise, there's more to my life than just freaking out about how i cant find a boyfriend, about how i cant find friends to go out with, how i feel lonely and useless,
when i can use the time to figure out how do i get my life going.
To figure out and eventually find my first step to getting to my goals.

If im ever gonna make a difference in this world,
I gotta start growing up now,
Gotta be brave now,
And get this shit going.
Like seriously.

Crazy thing called love.

2011-12-06T02:49:00.000-08:00

Just came back from prom.
It was a mad night.
Took photos with random ppl, took a zillion taxis, got into Zouk, danced to retarded music, late supper, failed attempt to find booze, no sleep at hotel, brunch at Aston's, movie and ion.
NO SLEEP.
I think I shd have aged a little after these two days.

Anyways, I'm just here, not to babble on about Prom and after party and stuffs, just about the movie.
After watching "You're the apple of my eye"
(if I'm not wrong)
Just had a lot of stuffs running in my mind.
Through the movie, I didn't feel anything.
Like it's suppose to be those movies about relationships, and like senarios that you can relate to in some part of your life.
A little like, "Strangers Again" by WongFu Productions?
For that I cried.
But for this movie, not so much of anything.

Yet, I had a lot of feelings and thoughts after the movie.
The movie tells of how this bunch of junior high and senior high school friends and the story of how two from this bunch fell in love.
But of course it didn't turn out well, and that's the part that I thought brought out a point that is quite, mostly, true for many relationships.
The movie showed that the prob with this kind of relationship is that both the boy and the girl are of the same age.
And because of this, mostly, the boy just isn't mature enough to be on the maturity level of the girl.
I mean, it is true that girls mature faster than boys.
So I felt that, it's such a sad fact that, because of this fact, sometimes things just turns sour after a while.

And I thought about my ex.
Like at that point of time, I knew we couldn't go on anymore,
Like, our minds, is not on par.
How do I say this?
I can't say he's immature and I'm mature as hell.
Just that my requests isn't satisfied, and he's isn't from me.
What I think a relationship should be and what it is to him, is different.
That's how I felt, at least.

And this prob doesnt stop with my ex.
It was the same for JC.
And I thought, it's just pretty sad and wouldn't it be so great that if it wasn't like that.

Anyways, there's another point in the movie that I thought was pretty well portrayed too.
The part where they state that how much you would be so displeased and unhappy that the person you like goes off with other person,
But if you really love someone, you forget about what you've lost and feel really happy that she is happy.
I know it's cliche, but the way the movie showed it, I thought it is really brilliant and exactly how ppl would feel at one point of time in their lives.
And when it does happen to you, it will feel weird.
And you'll suddenly realize just how much you love the person to forget about one's misery and actually share the happiness with her.
The selfless-ness of it all, it's touching.

Well, and the third point, which is pretty much irrelavant to the movie,
Is how much I have missed falling in love.
And at some point during my chain of thoughts, I became scared,
Like in this generation, I'm bound to fall in love with an awesome "actor",
Could anyone be true and genuine?
This thought may be triggered by the stuffs I seen at the club today, I guess.
I mean, ppl do meet bastards that are flickle minded and I sometimes wish and pray I'm will never have to be one of those victims.

Anyways, I miss someone to cuddle with and kiss with.
I mean, after all, I'm a damsel in distress.
After all I'm 18.
We all wanna grow up and need, get love, I guess.

Well, that's about all.
Needa post the photos up soon!

Shortness of it all.

2011-11-23T23:17:00.000-08:00

Long time no update!
Been pretty darn busy.
Apart from studying.
Been shopping like a mad ass for prom, post-prom and MAMA awards show.
Heheheh.
Yup, im attending the awards show if you dont already know!
Wee!

Anyways, i had this short hair for quite some time already.
But its only now do i have the time to actually take pictures and post them up.
So yup.
Enjoy!

I know its a short post, but really, im damn hungry.
I cant think of anything, smell anything else but food.

Nothing nice to say, but oh well.

2011-10-16T04:14:00.000-07:00

Pika Pika Pikachuuuu!
Okay.
I really dont feel like posting anything.
So hi.

I love Big Bang.
I cut my hair.
OMG, you'll be very surprise be the length of it.
Went to H&M, like finally!
A's is coming, im freaking excited to get it over and done with, im almost going crazy!
Okay, that's it, love ya and weeeeeeee!
Eat apples guys, get healthy.

Oh Oh Oh!
I played Frisbee on Friday with.
Okay, till next time love!

Obsession

2011-10-01T05:23:00.001-07:00

Hi Hi!
Just posting because im feeling happy today!
Feel like dancing, singing and anything that a happy person would do.

I've been really obsessed with Seungri these few days, like seriously OBSESSED.
To the point that every thing i talk about is him.
Damn, i've become "one of them".
If you know what i mean.
But wtf, he's cute so shut up.

What else.
I've been listening to some English songs lately.
Allstar Weekend, go listen to them, CRAZY FUN.
Makes you wanna jump around your room, hand in the air, hair in your face,
Not that i did that.
I mean, not like i'll do that, geez.

Anyways, i've been feeling quite awesome for the past few days.
I've become really comfortable with entertaining myself, being alone, having only one friend, having no boyfriend,
I mean, F**k those, i've got myself, and who cares if im not the prettiest, not the best,
Wth, i dont even have to entertain ppl i dont wanna.
I can act like a goof, pin my hair up #likeaboss,
And i dont even care.
Seriously, who cares.
Im going to fashion school next yr and imma gonna live my dream,
So f**k ya!!
Who cares about boys, who cares about what anyone thinks.
Those are just losers and hey, F**KYA, have i mentioned i going to a fashion school!
So suck that!
SUCK THAT!

Okay, i sound real stupid.
Of course i've been thinking about boys and ensuring i keep my face at its prettiest.
Just that, now, i dont really give much damn about those like i would have last time,
To the point that i hate myself for everything.
So yup, i guess this is one of those peaks in my roller coaster life.

I've been thinking about this boy, i think i mentioned a few post ago.
Ya, that one that plays the piano like a pro.
Its crazy that someone like me who doesnt even look at him (if secretly staring is not counted), never talked to him before, could have a crush on him.
I mean, just imagine the ppl out there that actually do have a crush on you, and its really not obvious.
Im one of dem' freaks, yo.

Anyways, other than having crushes and obsessions,
Been studying alot.
Gotta keep improving i guess.
Few more mths and im OUT!

Gonna leave you with some overdue F1 pics!
More here.

Make up is just a lie.

2011-09-25T10:00:00.000-07:00

Let me tell you something.
When you're out with make up, platforms and a bandage dress.
Don't be surprise when you realize all eyes are on you, all of a sudden.
But let me tell you.
Date none of the owners of these pairs of eyes.

I've come to learn, all in a day.
I will never date anyone that sees me in makeup first.
Never.
No gamers, no jerks.
I'm done here.

F1 was AWESOME!
I LOVE SEUNGRI OPPA!

Mostly just downs.

2011-09-20T07:48:00.000-07:00

I wrote a whole essay on why i was feeling depressed.
But ate dinner, came back, and didnt feel like feeling sad anymore.
And i feel lazy, mostly tired, unsatisfied and just getting my high sucked out of every vein in my body.
So, saved my sad story in my "drafts" folder and now im here.
Oh and i forgot, Hi.

Prelims is officially over.
Suppose to feel lighter and happier.
But im going through an emotional roller coaster the whole day, with mostly down slopes.
I just had my period, so what is f**king wrong with me, i have no idea.

It wouldnt be a roller coaster, you know.
If my mind hadnt been fighting against itself, it would be just a slide.
Let me be creative and describe to you exactly how i feel now.
Since i dont have the mood to explain exactly why i feel down, i'll do it in a nutshell.
It would be interesting for you to imagine too, so.

Okay.
A gas syringe, a size of a 10yr old child.
On the narrow end, there's a gas tank.
On the plunger, both my palms, presses down on the jaggered, circular surface.
The sides of my palm, flushed red from the pressure.
Just as i thought i got a hang of everything, a new ball of gas pushes my shoulders with a slight, violent jerk.
The force lifts both my feet a few centimeters off the ground.
My palms next to each other and right angles to the rest of my arms, fingers barely gripping to the barrel of the syringe,
With all my strength, or whatever i have left, trying to get my feet back on the ground as i pushed hard back down.
The veins on the joint of my hands, running through arm to hand.
Anytime i weaken my force, for the slightest moment, the pressure shoots back against me, seemingly threatening.
My palms, the tips of my fingers burns against the rough plastic,
Sweat oozes out the many tiny pores, joins, drips and lands as darken splash spots on the ground.
My palms slipping off the sides of the plunger.
If i ever gave up, the plunger would shoot and pop out of the barrel, up in mid air, with impressive amount of height.
The pressure released, pushes my drenched body up and off my feet for merely a few seconds, before landing back down on my back, crashing my spine on the grey, concrete floor.
Gas burst out of the barrel, like a invisible fountain.
Look at my palms, they burn with red and white lines.
Deep, thin rows of red depressions, i press both my palms together.
Elbows on knees, closed my eyes and cover them with the back of one of my clapped hands,
Gathering the droplets of sweat collected on my eyebrows and my forehead onto my hand.
Catching a breath, feeling my heart pounding hard against my thin ribs.
Feel the exact same beats, loud on the balls of my feet, on my burning hands, on my throbbing head.
Tears feels like sweat and sweat feels like tears.
Took a hard, deep breath, held it there till the ache in my chest and throat creased slightly.
Slide my joined hands across my wet eyes, many soft splashes hitting the ground.
Took in a big, wet sniff, looked around with wet, sad, puffed up, red eyes, up the ceiling, corners of the room and back on the syringe.
Took another runny sniff and with a little more strength, pushed myself up, pushed my fringe back.
Picked up the plunger, with a soft sigh, with a clamped smile.
And start all over again.

Thats how it feels like.
I fight, the chaos, the noisy, the difficult, the painfully depressing, the demoralizing insults, unrealistic wishings and lingering desires, all in my head.

Im an ugly person, the world's an ugly place and i would want to hide myself in my own world.
Plugged in my own sound, eyes on my own hands.

Im really tired.

Plan ahead.

2011-09-10T03:27:00.000-07:00

Peekaboo.
Its the prelims next week.
Then the A's.
And im done.
Am i ready?
Absolutely not.
Am i ready for next year?
Yea, definitely.
Weird huh, i know.

I really, REALLY, really not born to do sciences, or anything that requires hours and hours of nothing but reading and memorizing.
Yes, "but everybody thinks that way, so you're not special"
Yea, but i know what im capable of, and i know im gifted in this other thing.
How am i so confident to say this?
Listen.

You can master Integration or what Photosynthesis, Titration, Equations, whatever it is for like a day.
Me? I take months.

But what i can master in a day.
You? You take months.
Thats the difference.

And seriously, im tired of trying to do/be something im not.
Its really tiring, you should know.

Im sick of ppl, no Asian ppl thinking that getting excellent grades guarantees you good jobs in the future.
In reality, luck gets you good jobs.
In reality, experience and street smart-ness gets you good jobs.
In reality, passion gets you good jobs.
In fact, it gets you somewhere and not bring you to the point of committing suicide-im just saying.

Well, i can confidently say, im lucky i know exactly what i want.
And im not going to care what society thinks until im successful, you just watch me.

Just because you started a sales girl or an intern somewhere, doesnt mean you're a loser.
Doesnt mean if you're not a doctor, not a lawyer, you're a loser.
But no, ppl see you a loser.

Yet, when a loser strikes the bull's eye, they become the biggest winners.
The irony.
Lets take the most used example in all of humanity-Bill Gates.
You know this.
He's such a loser for dropping out.
But with a mind full of innovation and technical equations,
Life gives him bags full of gold and diamonds and fame, what lemons, thats for noobs.

Asian ppl should get over the fact that godly certificates is the most important thing in the world.
We should clear our minds and take a good, GREAT LONG stare at our precious child.
If he/she dances like a pro, f**k everything and get that b***h ass to dancing school.
If he/she paints like a pro, f**k everything and get that motherf**king ass to an art school.

BUT NOOOO,
Singaporean parents especially, gets everything mess up the worse.
First, they waste money and time drilling academic shit into their child. Second, they spend none of their time figuring out their children. Third, they spend so much time trying to erase "unrealistic" talents from their child's mind.

First, miracles dont happen, you're child will NOT wake up suddenly a genius.
If he/she's a genius, honestly, after secondary school, you would know it already.

Second, everyone is born to specialize in something.
Just relate back to the simple system of a successful community,
If everyone's a doctor, your community can see its way down the drain, for sure.
Your child, FOR SURE, has something in him.
Just LOOK AT YOUR CHILD.
If he's a miracle child in cleaning techniques, WTF, nurture that and there you go, CEO of cleaning company.
Isnt that better than a drop out, jobless, piece of really good at nothing.

Third, stop forcing something he's not good at and hoping he would be good at it.
He wont be, in this highly competitive world.
If you nurture something he's born talented at, he would be easily successful, for sure.
He would score As w/o even tuition.

Lets just say, "it all depends".
Im not saying we should sit back and wait our chance on lady luck.

Just remember, understand who the hell your child is.
If he's really good at cleaning techniques, doesnt mean its a bad thing.
You draw a path for him into like, i dunno, studying a new form of broomstick that no, does not make you fly, but does the job better than the traditional one.
Thats innovation and innovation usually brings success.
Or any business related to cleaning.
It doesnt necessary mean, "Oh, FML, i gave birth to a cleaning uncle."
Think positive and stop giving unnecessary stress to your child.
He will commit suicide, im just saying.

Well, i think i ramble to much.
Because my family just had some personal, "everyone lets talk serious" session a moment ago.
Talking about money issues and my Bro's education in Australia.
I worry for the future of my family finance issues.
Since he's going overseas to study and im going to a non-govt school.
Of course, my future plan is kinda too taboo to bring up in the convo, so my mum tried to mention nothing of it.
Im fine with it.
Im just more focused on trying to figure out how im gonna set my life the way i planned it to be.
And im fully ready to start page one as soon as im done with JC.
I doesnt really matter if they fully support me yet, but im sure im gonna reassure them as soon as im going somewhere, for sure im gonna make them proud.

Back to my usual life.
Big Bang's coming to SG, and their welcome video is up.
Which gets me even more excited.
The guy in the middle, he's married to me, kthxbye.

Went down to get some stationary.
F**king new bookstore in West Mall sells nothing.
They dont bring in standard brand stationary and whatever they are selling, my god, seriously?
So i ended up with none of what i initially wanted to buy and got myself a bunch of really childish stationary.
Thats all they have!
But, im loving what i bought so yup.

It was raining a while ago, so the sky was gloomy, so no nice quality pics.
But here you go anyways.

Waking up to this, makes my life a little better.
I love them so much, omg, i really love them so so much!
Panda eraser!!
I swear, these paper clips are damn huge ass! Scroll down and see me compare it with my face. Hohoho!
These pens are MAD CUTE! You see those skinny ones, they are the refills.
The yellow pen on the right, thats a pen eraser, i swear i went "WITCHERY! when i used it.
It erases like magic! None of the crap fiction pen erasers, this works like magic markers!

Solace

2011-09-03T04:19:00.000-07:00

Went H&M today.
The queue was epic.
But honesty, the place is like a castle.
H&M, I have utmost respect and admiration for you.
You decline to be in ion, or any other places rumored to have you.
And chose a place that stands alone, that opens on its own.
Such a brilliant strategy to get the name and fame across.
Seriously, I AM IN ULTIMATE AWE.
And you're my role model, for sure.

One day, just one day.
Imma be just like you.
Thats my dream, biggest dream.
But of course, above that, the biggest of the biggest has to be still to buy my mum a big house, and all the furniture she could ever want.
Oh, and i have a new dream too.
Gonna get a little, cosy shop for her too.
This new dream should be the closest one i can fulfill first.

Well, since i gave H&M a skip today,
We spend our time at 313 instead.
So went ZARA and F21.
There wasnt much, but i brought two of the cutest crop shirts EVER!
Im in love.

Went to do my face.
And honestly, today, my face looks the prettiest.
I mean, my skin.
My face never changes, just the skin.

Well, i havent been talking much to ppl nowadays.
Sometimes i talk to much to my parents, a lot of rubbish that i dont think they need to hear.
And just sometimes, they ignore me, which im cool about it.

Cas, sadly, i think im deprived.
I thought i could satisfy myself on Thursday.
Apparently, its seems no one was as free as me.
Then i realised, oh ya, you self deluded girl, no one owes anything.
Just because YOU are free, doesnt mean others are, doesnt mean their plans include you.
So, i made memories with myself on Thursday.
Mind talking to my dearest baby cupcakes, Emi and Hermi.

Anyways, im having weird dreams too.
And when i say weird, believe me, its REALLY out of line.
I dreamt about primary school friends that i just knew but never talked to.
I dreamt i and Xian were back together.
I dreamt my mum got me a big doll house and i was honestly, HONESTLY, really happy.
It really felt like REAL and i was REALLY HAPPY.
Over the doll house.
I always wanted a doll house.
And more, that over the days, i slowly forgot about.

Why im fussing over dreams is because, for me,
Its not normal for me to get dreams like this and then ending up waking up feeling horrible.
So yup, somethings not right about me again.
Something im not conscious about, but my mind and body is.
So, yup.

Well, one last thing though.
Been thinking about this guy in school that i have never talked to.
I mean, im a teenager, so things like this come by pretty often.
But just thought i'll share.
He's been on my mind often, on and off.
But i think im just a little lonely, thats all.
He seems nice anyway.
Sometimes i hear him on the piano alone.
And i'll listen to the music he plays,
Gentle on the notes, and just a lot of feelings.
Like he could play a happy song, but all i hear is his solace.
And sometimes, i think he's going through the same thing as me.
And if i could play the piano, i think i would play it just like how he does.
A mind full of dreams, full of hopes, need for love, need for recognition,
Sometimes, just a need for simple things like having dinner with someone, having someone who tells you stories, just someone that smiles at you, full of admiration, full of love.

Thats how i felt of him.
And sometimes i do wish i knew him.
To be his friend, the very least.
He's almost close enough to say i know him, but i dont, mostly cas i have guts of an ant.

But then again,
My dreams about boys, they never become reality.
So, i make fake memories, which isnt so bad as it sounds really.
It makes me happy, for a while, i guess.

For the sake of doing it.

2011-09-02T09:35:00.000-07:00

Im up and running again!
Hohoho.
Just cas im happy today.
Been really stress lately.
And will begin to be stress again soon.
Just wanna end this year as fast as i can.

Theres no point anymore.
Im at the stage where i know im doing it for the sake of doing it.
My mind is at a stage where im pretty much prepared for next year, where my life actually really begins.
Where i actually, for the first time, gonna do things that is finally for myself and with the utmost passion and motivation within me, i'll do it.
Thinking about it, i can really go crazy.
Its getting pretty near, and i cant wait really.
And when i celebrate New Years Day for 2012,
Im gonna celebrate it for real.
Cas only this New Years Day, it WILL mean something for me.
Im excited.

Well, today is prolly gonna be one last full-on holiday for me.
I did pretty much nothing.
If blogging, Fb-ing, youtubing and tweeting is counted as nothing, then yea.
Can i insert "Lazy Song" here?

H&M official opening is tmr.
I thought i'll ask my mum to go with me.
But she said there's going to be a huge crowd, long queue and prolly a day of pushing and kicking and punching and hair-pulling then actual shopping.
Yup, true.
But H&M is my ultimate fav. store, my mum promised we'll go take a look.
If it looks like death and hell there, we'll prolly just skip it.
Im fine with that.

Well, other then me constantly thinking about meeting Seungri oppa on the 23rd,
And thinking how im starting to fall in love (big time its almost scary) with more and more Youtube stars,
And how im going eat cow dung for my Chemistry Paper soon,
My life hasnt progress much yet.
So here's some of mi camwhores for today.

You make me believe again.

2011-07-29T10:06:00.000-07:00

I am a child.
With a heart that is incapable of differentiating.
A heart that is weak and vulnerable.
A heart that only needs a faint breeze,
To take it far beyond and then, very much lost.

But i have a mind.
Strong and forceful.
Many times harsh, other times damaged and probably numb.

To build me in this way, could i say its for the best or just a painful mistake.
Should i be weak in both ways, with no rationality.
Or be unbreakable in both ways, with too harsh a detention.

Either the case, it wouldnt be better to have both conflicting each other.
It's always endless, a fight against delusion, then a fight for what's human.
With no end result.
It leaves me waiting in the corner,
Absolutely clueless,
Eventually frustrated.

TGIF

2011-07-03T04:40:00.000-07:00

My friday here and here.

Daesung's accident: my point of view.

2011-07-01T10:05:00.000-07:00

Here's what I think about Daesung's accident.

He's beginner in driving.
Put yourself in his shoes.
First, it's 1am, all you can think about is gettin home, go to bed. And keeping yourself awake.
Second, you wonder why the car infront of you suddenly drive off the lane.
Third, you see a taxi infront of you WITH EMERGENCE LIGHTS ON. First thing you think of, "Accident?! Where?!"
Forth, you'll be so distracted by the lights in front and freaking out, you prolly won't see the motorist on the road because natually your eyes will be directed to the lights.
And in that split second, there's alot of things racing in your mind:
1. Where's the accident.
2. Okay, what should I do now
3. What did I learn to do.
4. Okay, I just brake first.
5. Okay, brake, brake, wheres the brake. Next to the one here.
(it may sound like it's stupid to think like that but the thought process should be VERY rapid. Which in this case, the panic just makes the rapidness so fast and you just might jumble all the steps up.)
Plus you're tired, your reaction time natually lags.
While freaking out, you press hard on the brakes.
But it's the accelerator you pressed.
It's dumb, but when ppl panick, honestly, anything can happen.
Fifth, expecting a brake, but accelerated, BAM you hit the taxi.
By now, you're already trembling.

Then you realized you went over a injured man on the road.

Here are my thoughts.
Lets be very honest and human here.
1. Why was he speeding.
It's late at night, partial empty road.
You wanna get home fast.
There are alot of drivers who speeds, even on a busy morning.
Would you speed up a little.
Chances are, yes you would.
2. Why he didn't see lying man on the road.
Yes, anyone not blind can see a man lying on the road.
But what's the first thing you'll prolly see?
The emergency lights in front, at your eye level.
Plus, think about it.
Accidents do happen even when the victim is actually walking on the road.
Yet drivers still don't see them.
If they can be so distracted to not see a walking person, wont it be even less likely to expect a lying man on the road?

3. Why did he hit the taxi instead of stopping?
Panick + beginner = press on accelerator.
Let's put this into an example more easier to understand.
It's the first time you're riding your bike out on the street.
At a corner, a man sudden jogs infront of you.
You panic, you need to stop.
It's VERY simple, you just need to press the brakes.
But you're a beginner, even simple things like that don't pop up so rapidly and easily as a person who rides his bike everyday.
So, natually you fail to think fast, you crash onto the jogging man.
And when ppl ask you, "hey, then why you never just press the brake, very fast and easy right?"
And your natural answer, " I panicked, so I didn't really thought of that."
It's just mistakes everyone bound to make.
In studies, teachers make you practice to avoid mistakes.
You practice so much, you're mind is custom to spot and tackle problems rapidly then a beginner would, in a given time limit.
(you know how exam stress are, they make you panic.)
It may be a simple question like, "circle the biggest duck."
So simple, but in a 1sec time limit, you just might circle the wrong one.
That prolly can explain where careless mistakes in your math paper came from.
So Daesung's dumb respond, was just a human error that just happen to be fatal.

Still, the taxi driver said that the motorist was bleeding so much on his head.
Literally a pool of blood.
Take Daesung away, there is still very very small chance that he could be saved by medics.

Although, yes, Daesung is found to have killed him, since the motorist was alive before Daesung came along.
And yes, due to proper procedures, and to save an uproar, he must be charge to a certain extend.
Of course he can never get away with it.
But I'm quite frustrated to the fact that:
The police are so concentrated on finding out whether the man died before Daesung came or after.
They found out motorist was indeed killed my Daesung.
They state that Daesung violated speed limit and he needs to pay for that.
Okay.
They state his inability to see lying man on road, he needs to pay for that too.
Okay.
Fair enough, putting aside human understanding on why these may have happen, I must still say, he ought to pay for his mistakes.

Now, what if it wasn't because of him that the motorist died?
He still is charged for speeding,
Still charged for inability to watch out in the road.
Nothing changes.

Only difference is, he's now charged for murder.
But look at Daesung, is he a murderer?
It was an accident.

The motorist was drunk.
He had a choice.
To drink and drive or don't drink because he knows he need to drive.
That's a responsibility I'm sure everyone is clear, very clear about.
Honestly, compared to amount of drivers speeding and amount of ppl drunk driving.
Speeding seems to be less of a serious case than drunk driving.
Though yes, both are wrong.
But everyday ppl speed.
You've sped, you know it. But have you ever drink and drove?
Alot of ppl are clear of the seriousness of drunk driving.

Daesung could have broke the speed limit.
He could hit a innocent cat at the same spot of his real accident.
Yes, the cat is innocent but Daesung's inability to watch out for the cat, that's very wrong.
For that yes, Daesung is fully at fault.
But now, the drunk driver (putting this very crudely, I'm sorry), honestly, even if Daesung isn't a celebrity, I would still say, didn't the drunk driver call it upon himself?
Dont drink and drive if you dont wanna die.
Very simple.

If he didn't drunk drive, he would have gone home safely.
Daesung could have sped, could have hit a cat, that's his problem.

Daesung could have avoided the accident if he was more responsible.
Same goes for motorist.
Again I'm being very crude, but the motorist paid for drunk driving.
Daesung must pay for his speeding and poor capability.
But not for murder.
I think that's what I feel is fair.

If motorist is alive now, you know he would be the one at blame.
Cas' yes, crude but true, he's the cause of accident.
And for Daesung, like I said, he'll still be charged for the two cases, that's all.

We all pay for what we've done wrong.
Daesung also have a choice to not speed, but I'm sure, even so it'll still be the same accident happening.
Fact that he's a beginner.
He'll still hit and crush a man to death.
But if the motorist didn't drink and drive, this whole thing will not exist.
See the difference.

Well, it has already happen,
Daesung fault or not.
It'll will still affect him even if motorist didn't die.
For the motorist and family.
I'm really sorry for such a tragedy that has happened, and I would pray for the deceased to rest in peace.
Stay strong.

Though my point of view may sound way too biased, it's just what I feel is right.
And when you're in support of something, it's very hard not to sound biased.
If i felt that Daesung was at fault, similarly, I'll be in support of the motorist.
It's just what I think is fair.

I'm surprised.

2011-06-18T10:21:00.000-07:00

Dance?
Seriously?

I just saw something on FB which surprise me enough to post something here.
Dance.
A pretty BIG change.
No, take that back, a pretty damn hell HUGE change!?
I guess I never knew he had a thing for dance.
And for all kinds of it, it has to be ballroom.
Wait, let me giggle for a while before I continue.

K, composed.
Very gay, I have to say, so sorry.
That was the first word that came to my mind.
Along with it was the word, "wow" too.
Seriously, I never knew, never could have guessed, till' now of course, that he had a thing for dance.
Feeling another giggle coming up.
K, composed.

Well, my point here is not to mock, but really, the opposite in fact.
I think it's a good thing.
A great thing in fact.
He finally found something/hobby that he actually likes that require no keyboard and mouse.
And the most "kowtow" thing about it is, it's not a hobby that is very popular among guys.
And to know, or knew, what kind a person he was (cannot throw face infront of friends), it's ever more impressive.

Well, I do rmb once when he told me that he admire me for my goals and ambition.
That I have something I liked to do and working towards a dream I had.
He told me he don't have one, well other than activities that require, yes, keyboard and mouse.
And because of that, honestly, I loathe guys with no proper ambitions at all.
(that's because it's after a breakup, so it's natural to loathe everything k!?)

Anyways, now that things have changed, from what I see.
I kinda view him in a better light now.
Someone that knows what he wants and what's he's doing.
Without the care if how ppl view him, that's admirable.
I'm glad, with my HONEST heart I swear, he took up dance.

Told you it'll come to you one day.
I'm also glad you kept your word and didn't follow you sister's footsteps.
Well, please take care and work hard!
Let's all be successful one day!

I'll never forget.

2011-06-17T10:12:00.000-07:00

Okay.
I needa wake up at 6am for dental tmr.
Which means i needa floss my teeth tonight.
Wait, i need to go to bed now too.
Damn.

Its 1am now.
I prolly have to stay up till 2am, since i cleverly have to post an album on FB, like now.
Self proclaim idiot.

So thought i shall post something up since i got 40mins to spare.
Plus, i think other than this, i'll prolly go online shopping somewhere.
Yup, I N.E.E.D T.O S.T.O.P

This week's been pretty boring.
Other than donating blood every evening to violent mosquitoes at school,
Wednesday was EXTREMELY FUN, im surprised.
Surprised because, yah know.
Been pretty antisocial these couple of days.
FINE!
This couple of mths now.
So, figured i cant get any happier whatever, whoever i was with.
Plus, i was going to meet ppl i havent seen for mths now, so its gonna get pretty awkward.

Surprise me, i've never felt so happy.
Now i figured whats wrong.
I never did lose friends or become antisocial in any way.
I just need these crazy old bunch and im as good as new.

Thinking back, i do miss my secondary school days.
I miss Sheryl too.

Well, its pretty comforting to know that im not that alone afterall.
So i would really like to thank Preethi, Charlene and Santhiay for making me realise, i am not that a loser and for making me so freaking happy.
Though it lasted for a day, or maybe i should say half a day, but it is really enough for me to feel better again.
I really enjoyed talking to you guys, honest.
So till' we meet again, i'll really miss you guys.

More here.

And many thanks to Griff for bothering to organize an outing for everyone.
We must have been a pain in your ass.

Well, thats about it.
Going flea shopping again.
Yes, me and mum, we are addicted.
Other than these,
Im pretty sad i havent heard/seen any updates on Big Bang.
Partly due to Daesung's accident.
Well, i'll be patient, so hang in there dude!

FTFREAKINGWORLD

2011-06-12T08:36:00.000-07:00

Welcome.
You have now entered into first level of hell.
That was random.

Moving on.
Is that Twilight i hear playing in the living room?
N.O.T G.O.N.N.A W.A.T.C.H I.T
Nope, not because im an anti-gay vampire movie person.
In fact its the opposite for me.
Just that, its gonna be nothing but misery after watching it, W/O A FREAKING BOYFRIEND.
Hah, no seriously, what makes twilight so addictive is because of the extent of romance and forbidden love and what not.
So, it'll prolly make me wish even more that i had a partner.

Well, its not like im desperate for one now.
But when you're between 12-20yrs old, temptations like these should be avoided.

Anyways, i have nothing much to blog about.
Last Friday was fun.
Finally, a burst of craziness, i feel better now.
It was kinda amazing how fast the photos were already up on FB.
Youths, pff.

More here.
Yes, the link brings you to my FB page, like you dont already know how to go there.

Well,
Other than those.
Here's some pictures of men.
Which i shall shamelessly deem as Godly handsome.
There are other boys that i like-SEUNGRI for instance.
But these are the ones that i sometimes ask myself,
FTW, FTFREAKINGWORLD, why, how can, is it possible, for people to grow that handsome?!
Im shallow, whatever.

Recognise any of them?
Shame on you if you dont.

And to end off.
Thank me later.

Dont you just wanna grab that face and kiss it all over?!?
Inappropriate.

Nightmares.

2011-06-09T02:44:00.000-07:00

I don't know.
When I start having nightmares, things are going wrong.

Having a break now.
I really hate maths, really I've tried.
You know they say, the longer you spend on someone, the more you see their true colours and eventually, you'll end up hating them.
I know it doesn't make any sense to use it on math.
But seriously, I spend way too much time on math, because, I'm no genius.
Unlike lifeless Gods of the mathematical world.
Trust me, I'm just as lifeless as them, just not in an advantageous way.
Sometimes it makes me wanna cry, really.

Anyways, I'm here also to mention one issue before I get back to work.
Don't click away now, it's not another one of my complains.
Or is it?
Okay, enough.

It's just that I've been having freakish nightmares every night now.
It's almost frightening enough for me to talk about it.
And it's not one nightmare a night, it's one after another ON THE SAME NIGHT.
It'll begin all normal and shit, sometimes pretty pleasant I must say.
Then it's gets all freakishly brutal and horrific.
Shall not say all but some of the worse ones are, gosh do I reeaally need to say this here.
Let's just say suicidal deaths and sexual harassment.
Oh, don't be a perv now.
It doesn't happen to me in these dreams (or "mares", I'm confuse), but I see the abuse, which is pretty much just as haunting.

Well, I pretty much wake up extremely frighten.
Many a times, reluctant to get back to sleep.
But the point is, something is wrong.
All I know, from what my mum concluded, that my mind is worrying.
Probably.
With the study stress im going thru now, I'm not surprised.
Well, when I think night time/ sleep time is the best time of the day,
I think I must take that back now.

Interesting week i may never forget.

2011-06-04T05:19:00.000-07:00

Okay.
I had a pretty interesting week, believe me.
Although i've been literally mugging alone in some secluded corner in the school.
Oh, even if im all by myself, believe me, i had an interesting week.

Monday:
Marks the start of CT mugging marathon.
Planned to plant myself at my usual fav. spot in school.
Ooo, lookie what i found!
A classroom, all fully functional with AIR-CON!
All was fine and jolly.
No, not until a kind, old cleaning auntie had to come and clean the classroom.
And that piece of vulgarity, no, she had to be b***hy.
She had to, she must.
She was going, all kind and nice, "Oh, the school is trying to save energy you know, you take one classroom by yourself, cannot."
And i was like, "Orh, okay auntie..."
I was just about to increase the temp. and off the fans.
Then she had to freaking report me to the principal.
And wow, within mins, i was chased out of my comfortable nest.
Damn, she efficient.
My ass, seriously?
I know, she just doing the right thing and all.
But seriously, seriously, did she have to sabotage me behind my back like that.
Just tell me that the uncle's gonna lock soon, i would get her hint, loud and clear.
But nooo, she had to be all kind and soft and then freaking b***h slap my face like that.
Now i wonder what if i was a boy.
Pretty sure i would have gotten away with it.

Tuesday:
Found a new fav. spot in school.
Great.
Period cramps.
How lucky.
I was squirming in my seat in agony, head on the table, very tempted in going home without getting any of my work done.
But i was pretty amazed at myself, seriously, really.
Now, i really do think im a pretty lucky and honestly blessed person.
Blessed with such an amazingly strong willpower.
Really, it may sound like im shamelessly praising myself.
But im really quite thankful that for all of my life's achievements, i must thank this oddly strong willpower i have.
Anyways, simply, i managed to hang on in school,
But of course, i wasted two hours sleeping, all reeking of sweat with my cheek plastered on my lecture notes.
And i felt better enough after that to do some work, thank god.

Wednesday:
All was well.
Really.
I stained my skirt, but it was fine,
Since there wasnt much ppl around, it was easy for me to take it off.
Of course i was wearing shorts, perverts.
All was well,
NOT UNTIL IT BECAME DARK, AND A GOD DAMN MOSQUITO HAPPENS TO BE HUNGRY AND I SO HAPPEN TO BE THE BLOOD DONOR FOR THE DAY.
Really?
Is there no day that i can be in absolute peace at all?!
I had 8 bites dude, 8 FREAKIN' ITCHING INFLAMED MOSQUITO BITES OKAY!
I aint joking man, i'll burn the school down just to kill this mosquito, i swear.

Thursday:
By this day, i was practically praying for world peace.
Nope.
Nope.
Of course, its a nope.
First, i was attack by a beetle, aint cute man.
Then a freakin' spider inching its way up on my FREAKIN SHIRT.
And yes, you can imagine me dancing about now.
Then a bee.
Then a housefly, which i b***hslap it away.
Then a huge ass dragonfly that smack right into the wall and starting buzzing around me, of course.
When the sun went down.
Nope Mrs Mosquito didnt come back, i thanked god.
But i was creep out.
I dunno for what reason at all, but this Thursday night, is the first night i ever felt something.
And i was honestly, damn trembling in my own pants, almost to peeing in it.
*Relax, im exaggerating.
But i was freaked out, by something, a presence i guess?
Yet, i want to believe it's just my subconscious thats all.
And prolly i was hungry too.
Well, despite freaking out, i actually forced myself to finish up reading up my notes.
And then, i had to walk in the dark with one thing in mind, "Im brave im brave yes im brave, theres nothing nothing, you're brave, oh so brave, im in love with your bravery...and so on so forth."
Yup, willpower kicking in again, i guess.

Friday:
This day is by far my fav.
But i was feeling pretty lost that day.
For many reasons.
I know, Friday is my play day.
But there's no one i want to play with.
Actually, for the whole week i was feeling increasingly at lost.
Though i liked being alone.
But there's a point in time when i crave for someone to text me, call me, talk to me.
I have lots of friends, but none that could feel happy with.
Someone i honestly liked being with.
I know a friend is not something you can manufacture to your absolute liking.
And after all the questions and reflections running through my mind.
I can only come up with one conclusion.
I need some one mature.

You know, my mum told me once, when i was pretty young, that i was too old for my age.
Not implying that im damn mature or whatever,
But simply, i just could understand more than i should actually be.
And prolly also concludes the reason why i get bored of people pretty easily.
Im not making it an excuse to do so.
But, its something i hate about myself too, so dont judge me.
But yup, i never really thought anything more about the, "your too old for your age thing."
Not until recently, when i started asking myself,
"What is it that i want? What is it that im looking for? What is it that will make me happier? What is it?? A boyfriend? A friend? A holiday? What? What would make you happy?"
Cas' whoever im with, i just feel just as alone, there is something i wanted.
Then it hit me that, during this whole week of feeling pretty lost.
There was one person that i was constantly, so constantly thinking of.
My mum.
I realised, i feel great talking to her, hearing what she had to say.
Listening to her stories, going to places with no plan whatsoever but just wasting time with each other.
Yes, mum is always the best, and of course there is no one who is comparable to a mum.
But no, the point im putting across is, i just need someone i can relate to.
Without having to keep a conscious mind that, "Oh i shouldnt say this, he may not get it." or "Oh, she wouldnt understand."
In fact, most of the time, i just cant be bothered wasting my time with anyone else.

But i dont want to be a pest that keeps demanding time from her.
She needs her rest.
So im left, pretty much waiting for the day when i can stop feeling at lost.
Im okay with waiting, just that the wait it can be a little excruciating.

Anyways, going back into topic,
I was expecting my Friday to be a pot of misery and i was ready to go home and keep myself happy playing wii and waiting for my mum to come home, so i have someone to talk to.
But, ended up, i spent my Friday with YanTeng.
I felt less in misery, but nonetheless still lonely.
But i just love it when i can eat dinner with her and all.
Telling her goofy stories and just plain, finally able to talk to someone, anyone.
Well, best part, i had some AWESOME RETAIL THERAPY.
Oh, you know nothing makes me high-er than shopping.
I had a great Friday, and i thank you.

Well, that's my first week of my June not-so-holidays.
Despite all the rollercoaster rides both physically and mentally throughout the week.
Its a week truly amazing.

Nice Sundays.

2011-05-29T03:42:00.000-07:00

Actually, it has been a pretty nice, quiet and cheery Sunday for me.
Been thinking to post something lighthearted all day,
And here i am, ready to.
Well, NOT UNTIL I HAD TO ON MY F**KIN' PHONE TO SEE ONE F**KIN' SON OF A B***H MSG FROM THE MOST F**KIN' B***H ASS PERSON I SWEAR I HAD ENOUGH OFF.
F**k man, seriously.
I really dont mean to be spattering vulgarities, at least not so much, here.
But really, really, i am so, man, seriously.
Seriously.
Why.

I got MY own shit to look after.
If i screw my own shit up,
That's my problem.
If i forgot to do my tutorials,
That's my problem.
If i forgot my Mother's birthday,
That's my problem.
AND I ONLY GOT MYSELF TO BLAME.
BLAME.
BLAME.
BLAME.

But nope, some ppl dont understand this simple, simple, oh-so-simple concept.
They forgot to do something important.
Nope, its not their problem.
IT CAN BE THE GOD DAMN WORLD'S PROBLEM, as long as its not their problem.
No, your shit becomes MY F**KIN' problem just because i forgot to remind you to do your shit.
Do you honestly think, honestly, that i would put your shit on my priority list amongst all my own shit load of priorities?
So when you screw up, i have to clean your SHIT up, furthermore, have you blame me that you forgot to do something.

Yo, B***H, first, you screwed up.
To make things worse, the form was given early in the week, so i dont think there's much reason for you to forget something that important.
Plus, with you forgetting means our whole group is affected.
Secondly, if you want to ask for my help to submit whatever you need to submit, you ask me politely.
DON'T FREAKIN' BLAME ME FOR YOUR SHIT FIRST THEN TELL ME THAT I HAVE TO GET YOUR SHIT DONE, LIKE I OWE YOU A LIVING.
I've never liked the word, B***H before, and i rmb promising myself that i would NEVER NEVER call anyone that ever.
You are the first.

Anyways, i wanted to post something lighthearted, so im not going to dwell on that shit any further.

Well, i wanted to post random facts about me that makes me HAPPY.
Yup, i know its a total contrast from the earlier paragraph, but rmb i said that i was having a nice, cheery Sunday?

One.
I like to admire my clothes and accessories.
I dunno why it makes me happy, but it does.
I would open my wardrobe, pick out a piece, feel the trimmings, run my fingertips down the sides and the folds, circle the buttons, touch the lace.
Its a bit freaky,
But i didnt say i wasnt a freak, so that makes it alright.

Two.
My hamsters.
Like duh?
I can honestly tell you,when i look at them, within the first min, im already smiling.
Man, this is also freaky.

Three.
Ice Milk Tea.
I have no idea why, but I HAVE ENDLESS CRAVINGS FOR ICE MILK TEA EVERYTIME.
That when i have my first sip, and its good, i shiver a little and smile.
Okay, this wasnt freaky until i had to add in the word, "shiver and smile'.
FINE! Three words, geez.

Four.
Thinking about my future.
Being a designer is something i really wanna be.
I have SO much dreams and ideas about it.
I would plan what my store would look like, what i would be doing, where i would be going.
Draw out designs, label them.
Whenever i have the time to dream about stuffs like that,
It makes me really happy.

Five.
Which may not be very unusual.
But it as a part in making me happy too.
Being plugged in with music makes me happy too.
Esp. so if its my fav. tunes.

Six.
Being alone sometimes makes me happy too.
Im not antisocial.
Just that being alone is like being in a world with just you.
And there is no pressure, no worries, no dangers, no small talks, nothing.
Just you and only you dealing with your own thing at your own pace.
In fact, sometimes, even doing things as dreadful as tutorials alone, can be kinda nice.
Dont judge me.
Im not crazy.

Well, i would like to say, thats about it.
Of course there are a lot of other things such as Shopping sprees, Flea Markets, SALES SALES SALES, getting good results, having my favourite food are also some of the things that makes me happy.
But i cant be listing them all right.

Well, another thing i wanted to write about was the things that i think i would fall for in a man.
Ya, a little bit childishly stupid and shallow.
But its something girls like to talk about and for which, also makes me happy talking about it.
*Not implying anything.
But rmb, today is a sorta happy day, so that gives me some rights to do so.

Okay.
Though they say, there is no perfect man,
Nor is it good to have requirements listed, but its just some of the things that i personally think that is important for a man to have.
Not making sense, but whatever.

Well, for one, a good partner is someone you can actually trust.
Like duh to the infinity.
But other than trusting him that he would not be playing around painting the town,
There's another kinda trust that is pretty important.
To trust that he would never put in you any danger.
To trust that he knows the way home and brings you home.
If you're going to a foreign place, you know he has a map in hand.
Its more like being able to rely on.
Thats important.

Two.
Someone who's able to talk, thats also something important.
There is no point in always listening.
Its kinda nice when he is able to tell me softly and slowly that sometimes, i may be wrong.
How i can improve, comfort me.
Its nice when there is common topics to talk about and to learn from each other.

Three.
Im the kind who wants a man to be a man.
To look like a man, to behave like one to.
I never realise this crazy fact about me until,
My mum who always could tell which boy from a boyband that i admired the most.
And when i asked her how she got it right, she said, "Easy, the most man looking. I know you would not like that one with coloured hair, nor that one with long fringe or that one that look like a girl."
Mummy knows best huh.

Well, he doesnt have to open doors for me, pull out seats for me.
In fact, sometimes, i would very much like the opposite.
A man who can be comfortable being himself, its all i can ask for.

A normal dude, not barbaric and not A GAMER,
Thats the most important to me.

I dont need suits nor ties.
Just properly dressed, conscious about how he presents himself but definitely not vain.

Who has problems and joy that he can share about.
One with dreams and ambition, thats super important.

Man, the more i write, the more i realised.
I just want a normal person.
And its hard to find because in this generation.
Technology takes away 3/4 of them.

But whatever the case, its not a problem i should worry about now.
Im sure with just a little patience, i am bound to meet one.
And im pretty excited to.

Well, today is a nice day.
And tmr, would be too.
Gonna start on my revision tmr, weird as it seems, im pretty excited about it.

My reasons for ignorance.

2011-05-19T08:22:00.000-07:00

Wasn't very productive today.
Probably due to a couple of reasons.
For one, Its thurs, which means in 24hrs time it's FREAKEE FREAKEE FREAKIN' FRIDAY YO!
Two, Junyi was annoying.
(Okay okay, FINE, I was the annoying one. geez.)
And three, VECTORS tutorial is no child's play I can swear with all the internal organs I'll ever have!
Seriously, it took me hell alot of sweat, blood and brainpower on just the 1st Qn, in the basic section.
I ain't kidding dude, ain't kidding.

Anyways, just wanna blog about something before my interest level depletes,
Which is about any sec now.
Yawn.

Okay, let's say I'm just avoiding whatever that makes me unhappy, that's it.
It's a simple thing.
And I realized I have became quite a expert at it.
Anyways, nothing to be extremely proud of, but yet that's me and I kinda like it.
Just for a simple reason that, yes, its better not to be hearing things that brings you down.
Things that is unnecessary, words that are punctuated with negativity.

Have you ever been around someone, who is extremely judgmental and just plain full of criticisms?
To the point that sometimes, there is no other way but stare in utter disbelieve.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Did you just utter that without senses?

Let me give you examples, examples always work.
Lets say you just got yourself a nice plate of Hokkien Mee, top with your favorite bean spouts.
"Man! I loove Hokkien Mee man! And I just asked auntie to add extra bean spouts, cas I LOVE bean spouts!!"
* smiling with utter glee.
And then this,
"I don't really like beanspouts, especially those from hawker stores. It's disgusting cas they didn't peel the tail off and they didn't wash them properly and ... ..."

YO DUDE?!
Are you freaking kidding with me!?
Okay, you may think that I'm just being a little too sensitive here.
That poor girl was just stating her point of view.
Yea, let's see who understands me when the situation doesnt concern petty scenarios like this and when it happens, no, not once, no not twice or freaking thrice man.
Let's see who understands me WHEN IT, OH MY F**KIN' LIFE GOD SAVE ME, happens on every single thing you have to comment about.
EVERY GOD DAMN THING, I'm not kidding man.

These are the ppl that just do not want anything in favor with/to you,
They just wanna find the most/the little-est criticism.
In other words, just blunt dirty opinions is all they can offer.
It's either they honestly have no self consciousness or plain wanting to bring you and your moral down to hell, I swear.

Second problem.
(okay, or another complain you may say.)
These ppl are just FULL, I tell you, FULL of negativity.
Are you really kidding me when you said,
"oh, I can tell what kind of person she is by just looking at her. It's just like that, I can tell."
YO MAN!?
What are you saying?
I mean, I don't even need to explain the extend of how shallow-ly wrong the comment is, seriously do I?
And what makes it even worse is, this is unbelievable, you had to boast about it.
WHAT?!

Plus, you just have to say things like,
"oh, I don't think she's pretty, she has ugly eyebrows."
YO man, that girl is a really nice girl, how can you EVER judge someone by their WHAT, eyebrows?
The point is, we all have our own physical flaws, but seriously, the reason why I thought she was pretty, was just plainly cas' I thought she was actually a nice girl given the fact that she looks pretty and tall and for many reasons, spolit.
But she's surprising nice and everyone knows it.
The prom queen don't have to be a a barbie girl, get that in your shallow head.

And the fact that I got into believing that the ppl that I don't even know/never spoken to, wasnt a good person for many negative reasons.
But I guess I was lucky enough to actually regain my senses to realize what I have become around these highly judgmental ppl.
But the point is, why must these ppl go around telling horrid things about ppl that they don't even know.

"I hate this school. I wish I can be in bigger schools like VJC and RJC."
I know I have said that I hated this school once before.
But I explained that I was extremely upset on how the system works highly on your academic achievements,
Plus I was very much bitter that due to that fact, I wasnt able to attend alot of events.
But I'm very sure the same situations are happening in other schools, in workplaces.
That's life in a completing world.
The difference is, these ppl are just purely displease and what they are in.
Cruelly, just plain unappreciative.
Darling, you're in a neighborhood JC.
One that is full of heritage and history.
It's not a rich school equipped with rich parents funding for events.
If I can sit in a comfortable chair in an air-conditioned room, I'm satisfied.
Furthermore, if I was as displeased as these ppl are,
I have only myself to blame.

Okay, I see that this has ended up into a very long, very angry post.
There are still a lot I have to say.
But then that would result in an irony arising,
Since I have become extremely negative in my post as I progress.
Just wanna say that,
I avoild these ppl are the plain reasons,
I want to keep my moral senses in check and
My self confidence in place.
I don't need ppl like this to ruin my day.

Utter urge.

2011-05-17T09:06:00.000-07:00

Veska day over.
Last of the string of holidays we'll ever get.
*insert tormenting yet epic cry.

Anyways, I'm pretty much bored and reluctant to go to bed.
Im so immature, I know.
When I get a chance to sleep early, I HAVE to do just the opposite.

Well, I had a couple of free time today, since I started work really early.
So I manage to get things done way too early.
Didn't feel like doing anymore of the shitty stuffs, ESP not on Vesak day no.
So used my free time and I came up with a few designs and I'm quite please with them.
Realised I innovate better with music plugged and blasting in my ear.
One day, imma get these designs and make them reality.

Okay, I know this is pretty random and boring.
Nope, ALOT random and boring.
I just had a strong urge to blog,
Now I have a strong urge not to.
Yes, I'm fickle minded, shuttup.

Well, just one thing before I go.
I'm not gonna admit myself into another crush.
But I'm just pretty curious who is it.
Curious because part of me wish it is me.
I'm clearly dreaming.

2011-05-08T05:39:00.000-07:00

Really unhappy and unsatisfied.
Honestly, i never had an interest for politics, never in my 18years.
But this year, it just pisses me off.

I dont live in Hougang nor Aljunied, so i dont have much rights in saying anything about what's going on within these areas.
Yes, i did do a small research on what the PAP and the WP has done for singaporeans, but i can honestly say, maybe my research may not be extensive enough to prove anything.

But WHAT PISSES ME OFF is what Singaporeans are now becoming.
Contradicting, ungrateful, selfish, bitter, fickle-minded and plain short-sighted.

Firstly,
All Singaporeans want is A BETTER LIFE.
CHEAPER EVERYTHING.
BETTER EVERYTHING.
We've become so ambitious, so demanding,
We forgot how to be thankful, how to be grateful and appreciative of what we have now.
We forgot to look back and actually rmb what has been given to us.

Do any of us rmb all those complains we filed in the past?
"Sometimes when it rains ah, where i drop my children off, no shelter anywhere, how?"
"My ahma, she must climb two flights of steps to the floor with lift ah, not good for her legs la, how?"
"My husband, he wheelchair bound, we take the lift, reach the void deck, then no ramp to the carpark, i must ask ppl for help to carry him down, very troublesome, how?"

And what do we have now?
No, we dont know, because all we SEE now is,
"I WANT CHEAPER FLATS, I WANT LESS-CROWDED MRT SYSTEM, I WANT HIGHER PAY, I WANT I WANT I WANT..."
Dont we feel like we've grown "backwards" with time?
Becoming that 5yr old child we used to be, demanding our moms for everything.
Have we grown?-Ask yourselves.

Secondly,
Amidst all the "hoohaa" against the government and their systems and laws,
We do not realise we have contradicted ourselves in the fight to prove that "the MPs are all in the elite group, they would NEVER know about the lower-middle income group citizens."
I cant say for any other MPs, but from what i see from videos like these,
Mr George Yeo seems to be the perfect example that MPs do help the lower-middle income group citizens.
But since we are so engulfed in "helping" these lower-middle income group citizens, we have decided to take Mr George Yeo out of his post.
Great, now all we have to do is force our "beloved" lower-middle income residents to forged new bonds and trust with a total stranger and god bless, HOPE that he can do a better job.

And from that point introduces my third point.
How we have become so selfish.
All we want is CHANGE.
CHANGE means CHANCE.
And CHANCE means RISKS.
And RISKS means either we SUCCEED (hooray) or FAIL.
Simple as that.
And because of this mindset, we put ppl (like those in the lower-middle income group citizens) in our little gambling game.
Of course, ppl like us, with Blackberry phones and fast Broadband speed, extent of gambling our fates and having a FAIL wont impact us as much.
At most, whatever happens, just move house lah, better yet, new condo.
Easy.

Forthly,
Sit down and think back, rmb the pictures in our history textbooks before you create a uproar on our poor government.
Yes, they may be strict on their rules and regulations.
Look at it this way,
Our dads.
"WTF, home by 9pm? I may as well not go!"
"He wont let me go out lah! He think i am a dog, F**K!"
"Tuition after tuition, he really doesn't understand my limits man!"

But then, who picks us up from school after CCA and we're dead tired?
Who buys us all our mosquito repellents and chocolate bread when we need to go for our school camp?
Who taught us swimming and cycling?
Who was there to see us graduating?
We can only see this, after we have succeeded, after we've lost our dad, after we actually sit down and ask ourselves, "Who brought me up."

And lets say the opposition is like our uncles.
Yes, they can be our dads, even better since they are not entirely our dad and we can actually have a little more freedom.
But you see, no one can replace a father.
The trust and dependence on our father, nothing can replace that.
That is why, i feel that we are immature, ungrateful and bitter.
Only teenagers can be bitter.
But most of the voters have "grown" better than that.
Apparently not, i assume.

Lastly,
I am not entirely sure whether this is true anot.
But it seems logical.
If we seek a BETTER LIFE, BETTER PAY, etc.
Since the PAP consist mostly the government, dont they have the most power and funds to actually fulfill all our whims and whines?
So i assume the only reason why we want to support the opposition so badly and violently,
Is because we
"want to teach PAP a lesson?"
"to be cool since supporting the underdogs may give me have a chance of succeeding"

I know for sure, if ppl ask me who i would vote for,
I would say PAP and i will proudly list out all my reasons for doing so, and what they have done for me.
But i would want to wonder, if i were to support the opposition, what do i reason myself with?
Just wanna gamble in a hopefully chance for a better life then what i have now?

If we really think that our lives suck and our government system suck.
I think we should really pick ourselves a copy or Newsweek or Times and reconsider.

Anyways, the main source of what got me so interested in this year's election is partly due to XiaXue.
She reasons much better than me, so i think you should go have a read.
I just think her point of view is logical enough.

BTW, HAPPY MOMMY'S DAY!
I hope my mum is the happiest mum in the whole world!

Random day.

2011-05-05T09:29:00.000-07:00

Mum's birthday tmr.
Hah, and i got good things planned up.
Yes, im god damn filial.
Filial sounds odd, but F it, cant find any other more suitable words.

Anyways, i hate wearing shoes.
Except those ones that look like these

Kidds you.
Though the last one i really did see it somewhere and i thought it is SUPER cute.
But it was a new design in the store, so i didnt had the need to check the price.
And i got a weird feeling one bubble would rebel, break and drop off on one very unlucky day in the future.
But who cares, these are so odd, ppl would think the hole is part of the design.
WIN.

Having a very random day today.
Partly because my tmr would be a holiday.
F**K YEA!
Plus, Monday's holiday.
I have a god damn good reason to be random, yo.

Partly cas' im bored too.
Going out tmr, which very much equals to me saying,
"LET'S SWIPE SOME CARDS AND HAND OUT SOME CASH YO!!"
One difference though, this time the money aint gonna be spent on me.
That's what you get when you have Mother's Birthday a day apart from Mother's day.
Awesome.

I should start a donation drive.
And i shall name it: One less broke girl in the world.
Soooo original.

Let me end this with a HOT video.
Cas' im feeling hot like that.
Literally, you dirty idiots.

Oh and speaking of Seungri from BigBang.
He's my new love for this season.
Though at some point in the beginning i forcefully deny it.
Only reason cas' he does resembles my ex a little bit.
In fact some of his actions, apart from the far difference in the voice, I THANK GOD, are hatefully the same.
But after a few sessions of self-persuasion, i have emerged successful,
In convincing myself that,
F**K HIM, Seungri just happens to look like him (no, let me rephrase, F**K HIM, he so happens to look like Seungri) and F**K IT, theres is a very small probably they would have the same personality.
Plus Seungri is not a gamer, not a Ah Beng and he has a great lot of determination, focus and appropriate goals for his life.
Which is much more important than that pretty face.
(no, let me rephrase that too, Which is much more important than the much more prettier face of Seungri's. Yea.)
Okay, now for the hot video.

Damn, he's hot.

I hate phones.

2011-05-01T08:42:00.000-07:00

Just got myself a new phone.
Believe it a not, this is the first ever phone that is really actually mine.
Since all the mobiles i ever own tend to be passed on to me, in other words, very much second-hand.
Well, i never complained and still wont.
Cas' honestly, i absolutely dislike mobile phones.

First, it is annoying, ANNOYING, ANNOYING, when ppl just get so, SO, SO f**kin' hooked, HOOKED HOOKED on to their mobiles, they become very oblivion to the world around them.
Seriously, are you kidding me, are those messages and calls really that important to the point that you cant resist the urge to whip it out during lectures, during tutorials, during meals, during toilet breaks, during conversations, while studying?
Are you seriously kidding me, since i believe the only ppl that should be on their phones 24/7 are businessmen/women and mothers.
Mothers because they are the ones that save you when you lose your way.

Secondly, and this would prolly make me sound like a loser, but f**k ya.
All i ever get from my mobile are reminders to hand in my tutorials, tests reminders, Singtel Ads, reminders to pay up and shit load of crap i rather not want to see.
I lived a week without a phone and i can swear i can live another 64 weeks without it.
64 is just a random number i came up with, dont google it.

Thirdly, the more you depend on mobile phones, the higher the chance of you dying without it.
Since you practically live every second of your life inseparable from your little device.
Plus, mobile phones is a form of distraction.
I do not believe anyone can read their notes, check their phones and actually get anything in their head, since the chain of thought is obviously broken.

Well, then why the f**k did i get a new phone in the first place, since i despise it that much.
For one, like i said, i use it to call my mum when i get lost, which is unfortunately very frequently.
I use it to meet up with ppl, i use it in cases where i need to ever dial 999/995.
I use it to, and very reluctantly, remind myself of upcoming tests and homework.
The alarm, since i distrust Ipod Touch's alarm functions due to some very displeasing occasions.

Thats pretty much all.
And why must i get a new phone, since i can get these basic functions on an old phone.
Three words-wear and tear, baby.
Baby is not a word, wait, urgh.
Battery life becomes such a pain in the ass, and phone calls that practically goes like this,
"Huh? What? Erm, sorry can you repeat? I CANT HEAR YOU! F**k it, see you at the end of the platform k, bye."

All in all, im sorry if i ever pissed, in which i guess i prolly did MANY TIMES to MANY PPL, when i do not acknowledge, reply or answer my texts and calls.
Yes, i hear you cursing.

More Talentime pictures here.

To just have fun

2011-04-29T10:30:00.000-07:00

Before my high fuel runs out, let me give a short, yet partially random and extremely late in the night debrief on Talenttime 2011.
If it's considered a debrief at all, after you're done reading what i've gotta say.

Well, there's one thing I learnt, or let's say found out about during this special night.
All the time, I've been in school 8am-9pm, mugging away till the sun goes down,
Slogging in seemingly never ending lectures and tutorials.
And when this night comes, finally I thank god, the only thing I wanted was,
One, "make full use of my $10 entrance fee".
Two, "let my hair down and just have fun."

And fun, this is the part I'm actually meant to be getting at.
Is the process where I spent my time, tugging my huge school bag along with me, all the way to orchard,
Walking back and forth from 313 mall to Far East Plaza multiple times,
ON THE SAME DAY,
Then walking rounds and rounds, store to store to find either that perfect dress or that cheaper alternative to that bat winged top,
All the way till the shop shutters started coming down, one at a time.
Dropping off at the wrong bus stop and running in the rain, in my school uniform.
The two mildly crazy days I spent with Celeste and miraculously, Wedgie.
I must have been crazy, or shall I say, we.

Fun is rushing home and dressing up.
Then rushing back out.
Is cutting each letter of Las Minute, down to giving flowers and receiving balloons.
And the most important thing,
I or actually many always tend to forget, the most crucial of having fun,
Is to forget about acting pretty, forget about wanting to sit with a boy or sit with a random hot stranger,
To impress a crush, to be afraid of "throwing your face away" when you're dressed pretty.
When targets like these are set, you try too hard,
The very essen of fun is gone.
We forget that fun doesnt go to you, you create fun.

And in events like Talenttime, it's like a blatant given chance.
Just let loose, grab a friend, get high and be yourself.
Take a bunch of pictures and laugh at them.
Crack a few lame jokes and be utterly shameless about them.

Having fun, is about, or at least to me, cheering your friends on as well as anyone else who so happens to be on stage.
For having practice so hard, every single one of them,
The only thing they deserve is recognition and appreciation.

Now I sound a little bit too draggy.
All I wanted to say is,
Just have fun, f**k wanting to achieve anything but max. enjoyment and be yourself.
It's the process that really matters.
I had fun.

Strangers again.

2011-04-22T10:59:00.000-07:00

I was pretty excited when i found out this short film was finally uploaded.
And as i gradually watched it, i just couldn't bring myself to continue.
Every min was real, so close to reality.
Everything the video showed, was what i (or maybe, we) went through.
Randomly, coincidentally meeting each other,
The chasing, the flirting,
The question, we're together,
All the things we could do,
THEN COMFORTABLE,
Taking for GRANTED,
Tolerance,
Fights and fights and fights that i dont even remember what for.
Its all very very real, all so very very true.
So true it breaks my heart just thinking about it,
Just refreshing my memory once more as i kept on watching.
And the part where you just go through all the random things that just sits there in your room now,
Once in a while, a photo falls on the floor, you chance upon your old anniversary letter.
All you could do is really just, smile.
Smile for all the things i (or maybe, we) did, together.

And everything just ends so abruptly, so suddenly, it doesnt feel normal,
You wanna things to go back to how it is,
The fact that actually you wanna go up and say you're sorry,
But in reality, you just let it go.

What stabbed me right in my heart was the last part.
Yes, there are always conversations like this, wondering how long it (or we) would ever last.
But what hurt me the most,
Was the part when he said that no matter what the resulting answer is,
we will always remember, treasure and be thankful for this period of time together.
We will always look back, and never forget, no matter how remorseful we are to each other.

The fact that this short film so was unbelieving real, how crazily real it is.
It just broke my heart, all over again.

Consider this random

2011-04-17T06:52:00.000-07:00

Hey.
Its Sunday, but it feels like Saturday.
I should be asleep now.
Shit.

Needa do some work tmr, BIG TIME.
WTFlea was AWESOME!
Went with my mum on Saturday, no wonder it doesnt feel like Sunday.

Okay, so i must have pissed my guitar teacher today.
Big deal.
Nothing went into my head.
He got pretty impatient as i kept on strumming the wrong notes at the wrong rhythm.
It got so bad, i finally got his ass to pick his guitar up and strum me the right notes.
Yo dude, im not a music genius, thats the part where you are the teacher comes in.

I cant believe im 18.
Random thought.
But seriously, its hard to believe i am actually 18 and i feel like im 15.
Okay, jokes aside.
I feel like a kid, yet growing up sucks.
So i shall count this as a blessing.
If its even a blessing at all.

You know, maybe i should really stop thinking of you so much.
If i dont have hormones, i wouldnt need to feel.
And i dont have to have emotions and i wouldnt need to think about you.
Only time would tell, i guess.
By then, we'll be apart.

Can we be friends.

2011-04-09T20:25:00.000-07:00

This has to be the most frustrating lesson ever.
And i think i cannot bring myself to go on anymore.
Let me explain myself.
First, he's unfriendly, taking into account he's a teacher.
Second, i didnt throw in my money (or you can say my parents money) just to hear where im wrong and be ordered to repeat a zillion times.
And when i say that, i meant literally, all he does is tell me, "wrong. wrong. wrong."
Yo dude, i know im wrong, i went to school, i know whats W.R.O.N.G.
But what am i wrong on?
Show me which note, cas obviously i dont know, since i made it wrong.
Enlighten me pls.
Third, its not that i wanna give up learning guitar just because its hard.
I know learning an instrument is not easy, how then would ppl pay (or waste) a zillion dollars to send their precious little children to music lessons.
Its that, me and him = no chemistry.
Its suppose to be fun, at times difficult i know, but at the very least engaging.
Take for example, a tuition teacher.
If you are falling asleep all the time, if you're not taught your mistakes, not taught how to improve and you end up learning nothing on this subject.
Assuming im fully interested in the subject.
Tell me, is it morally right to further spend my parents money?
No.

Im not a loser for answering my own question.

Anyways, one thing i need make clear.
And i know me-its gonna be impossible to say in your face.
So better i make this clear now then never.
Im not cruel, i think this is the best way, so stop judging.

First, I AM NOT LOOKING FOR A BOYFRIEND NOW.
I'M NOT, IM NOT, IM NOT.
Why?
Cas i dont have the time to sacrifice, at least not now.
After the last incident, i know how much time i must contribute.
Its a bloody important year for me and though i know if i screw up, it wouldnt matter a lot.
But i dont wish to waste my two years, just like that.
Plus i know im a little "kanchong" studying so much everyday.
I know there are bound to be whispers behind my back going," is it even necessary to mug so hard? Or is she just trying to prove something?"
Let me clear that doubt.
Taking into account of my results, taking into account that i wasnt born to be that smart.
Yes, it is necessary and i need to use all the time i have to catch up.
So if anyone wanna deal with me being frustrated, absent-minded and tired all the time, by all means.

Second, i only have 24hr/day.
Much of it goes to mugging my ass away.
Once i have rest time, i need to split it into:
1. Sleeping
2. Internet
3. Family
4. Friends
5. Hobbies

Pls dont put anymore stress on me.

Third, you're a good friend.
Why?
Cas' there are a lot of things that i can relate with you.
There are times that i can give you the relevant support you need.
And from you to me.
But it stops there.
And its very tiring to give and pull back so you can see the line that im drawing.
Let me tell you a story.
About me and my senior in sec school.
He treated me very well, he was from the same Primary school as i am, he use to stay in BB, he was in the same CCA as me and we always bumped into each other.
And i, being too young to understand, believed that me and him were fated to meet, we had a lot in common, most of the time a little too coincidental.
I was too young to understand that in this big world, there are bound to be ppl who seems to be just like you-its not fate, its not soul mate, its coincidence, thats all.

And why did he treat me so well?
I was again, too young to see that, no, its not that he has feelings for me.
It was ego, like a little fan i was to him, who stupidly admired him for everything that i now know, was not worth it.
To phrase it crudely, it was like he used me.
And who gets hurt in the end?

Look, i dont want to be him.
Everytime i get too near, i pull back.
Is so you can see that line im trying to draw oh so clearly for you.
My senior didnt do that, at least not as clearly, something that i needed to make me understand, im not his girlfriend, im his best mate.
He didnt have feelings for me, he just liked my company.
Thats all.

Im not being cruel for making you think in any other way other than what i have in mind.
I honestly thought i made it clear.
Its only recently i was knock conscious that i was silly to think that.
Now all i need is you to understand.
You're like Celeste to me, just a tad better.

Fourthly, i just need ppl to understand that, there is no point having a relationship now.
Yes, it is fun to have eye candies and crushes and talk about boys and stuffs.
To imagine having someone to hold and send text massages to.
But that's just fun and it stops there.
In other words, a type of sick entertainment.
In other other words, its not worth it.
Not worth your time, your dreams, your money.
At least not now.

Or am i just a nerd.

Busy on the head

2011-04-03T06:53:00.000-07:00

Okay.
Its pretty late and i dont have much feelings now.
I'll compensate with photos below.
Its not everytime that i get my lazy bum up to upload photos.
So yea, its worth the compensation.

Well, been practicing on my guitar pretty regularly these few days.
Hah, anything but work of course.

Been thinking a lot these few days.
I mean, when have i not been thinking a lot.
Im a 24/7 busy in the head.
Everything other than work, of course.

Whatever, life's boring.
At least in JC.
I hate my school more and more, so wth.
Boys are becoming more of an annoyance.
Then there's the judgmental and also the pure stupid.
People i should avoid at all cost.
Cas i realised how much a better person i am without them.
Theres another thing to go wth with.

One thing about life is, dealing with it.
Yo.
Oh and before you reach the picture just wanna say, XiaXue, i statue you for the amount of coverage you got from the peter C. thing.
Pure Bravo-ness.
Okay, here you go.

Stupid dream. Not.

2011-03-25T10:56:00.000-07:00

Just watched Easy A.
Its been long since i've actually feed myself a movie.
And its not those kind of movies that i get to watch in the cinemas or on VCDs and DVDS.
But those that i get to watch on my laptop/on my itouch.
Like how i would every weekend, before the A's started to creep closer into reality.
Well weirdly, those movies always end up the best of the lot.
I guess, watching a movie alone, you actually absorb more into what the movie is actually saying.

Anyways, the show brought out a lot about friendship, self-confidence, being strong, being kind, being independent, being patient.
All that i wanna become.
Even if the world slaps you in the face, so hard that sometimes, you swear you can never get up.
All you need is will.
When all you need is one single friend,
To know you got your back covered.
To know that there'll be times when theres no one who would pull you out of your shit,
You just gotta be brave and independent enough to clean it up yourself.
And that only through patience,
Will there only be true happiness, just for you, all for you and only you.

Well, if you dont get what im trying to say,
In a nutshell,
Dont give up.
Treasure your friends.
Be strong.
And who needs a partner, when its just gonna be tears and breakups and a whole lot of wasting of resources on each other.
Thus, i always make myself believe during times that i get weary, its only through patience, just a little patience, i will find just one, someone who's born for me and only me.
Which is in the nutshell's nutshell, true love.

Which is also ridiculously naive, you might think,
But i guess everyone just have their own beliefs, and my so happens to be foolish to you thats all.
Yet, when you realise how tough it is to fight for your beliefs and dreams,
Really, no dream or belief is actually, stupid.

All in a days work-March

2011-03-13T05:11:00.000-07:00

Hello yellow.
Let me see,
Its been 2months.
Congratulate me quick, for i am finally able to get my lazy bum up to do this.

Anyways, i've got a lot of feelings, esp when March arrived.
Literally, its been a hell of a roller coaster ride ever since March started.
And im not even talking about monthly mood swings.

First it was the overflowing, overlapping, over-everything lecture tests.
I swear i couldnt breathe,
And i cannot imagine common test, really.

Teacher-Parent Meeting.
Which was nothing until my dad had to say something about
"believing in me" and "supporting me whatever i may wanna do" and "he's worried i am too stress"
All sorts of nonsense that i swear i thought he did it on purpose just so he could see some tears.
Yet, i was moved not because of his words, but more of, he never said such things before.
And i know it was something.
I guess its love.

Then its J1 Parents' info session.
Which was unexpectedly one of the worse days of my life.
It was the day i swore i hate this school.
And i am still.
It was the day i hated myself for ever joining council.
It was the day i curse the world for being cruelly unfair.
It was the day i pretended its okay.
It was the day i cried to my mum for the bitter truth of my school.

Then comes sports day preparations.
Which was one mini roller coaster itself.
Sometimes people just wanna bring you down.
People look down on your abilities.
Climb above you and kick you down.
First it was anger.
Then pain.
Then despair.
Then i hated myself for turning into a monster like you.
And then at some point along the way, i promised myself, for real this time.
That im gonna be brave, strong and independent.
"It doesnt matter what other ppl say, what matters is what YOU gotta say."

Yet, amongst all the fight,
There were times of friendship, warmth and companionship.
All the times spent thru varying situations which may pop up unexpectedly.
Like Lexus' infamous white paint spill.
Though it was painfully frustrating to clean it up, it was one of those memories you'll never be able to forget.
How we cheer each other on and up, working together and challenging our fears, they were nice times.
Nice times.

And when sports day really did came.
All the hard work paid off.
Sadly it went by in a exasperating blur of events and the next thing i knew, our last event while in council has ended.
Its a very weird feeling, like you would wanna keep watching episode after episode of a drama series.
Yet when you reach the last episode, you want more.
That kinda feeling, its insanely frustrating.

Well, the best take away from sports day, though may have been pretty insignificant to many,
Was the moment when Mr Ng announced my effort on the mascots' heads to everyone.
I remembered back to the time when i sat on the floor of my room, drown by fabric, Styrofoam and sweat from all hours i spent trying to piece everything together.
And there was countless of times, while working, it came to my mind,
"Why am i doing this", "Why is it that i am always doing this".
And my mum would come in once in a while,
In hope to cheer me on.
And i remember once she said,
"would you get recognized for all this? You wouldnt again right?"
All i answered was a weak nod.
I remember all the times i cried to her on how the world is unfair, how all i give and never ever take.
And there she was, making sense to the situation.
But hearing my work being recognized, hearing the cheers and claps and looking all around me to see eyes of admiration.
It wasnt a time to show off, it was a time i was really thankful for all these hard work i've put in,
And was finally, finally recognized for.
That was all i've been asking, all my life.

Well, another thing that strike out most was also the few times that i lead a cheer and passed out instructions to a crowd.
I know it may be nothing brilliant to many, but to me, it marked some sort of a start to my goal to becoming braver, stronger and more independent.

Some point along the way, it struck me that the only way i can achieve my dreams of becoming a designer.
I need to learn how to have courage and confidence.
And the only way i can achieve this is to take it step by step.
I live for my dreams and my family.
So i would never try to fail.

Another thing i wanna bring up is about how a smile can really be contagious.
The bus driver of 174 at 9pm is the best i've ever come across.
All the other bus drivers should be ashamed of themselves.
He greets everyone and says bye to everyone taking his bus.
And really, just this simple gesture, actually made my day end well, even if it was a bad day in the beginning.
I found myself skipping home, humming to the tune of "Valentine".
And i wanna thank him for spreading happiness.

And also, i've set goals for after i am done with my A's.
Im not gonna work.
Thats if only i can be an intern for a designing company.
But other than that, i think imma do various voluntary work.
Thats one thing that can boost my courage.
Lead students in voluntary work, that would be the best.
Take part in NYAA Gold.
Which means i must attend camps.
But i would rather be the facilitator.
Then imma gonna take up skills related to my dream career.
Im gonna renovate my room.
All in all, im gonna keep myself busy busy busy.

Okay, shall end this by saying a big, warm and sincere thank you to Lexus lee.
For always being there and helping me out in a lot of things.
For keeping me company and always listening to all i have to say.
And never judging.
Cheering me up, thats for sure.
This few days has been really, a very difficult one.
And if isnt for you, it would have been harder on me.
So thank you.
But you should also know, no thank you for all the nonsense you have created too.
No more paint spills and anything that you know would make me angry.

New Year's Resolutions!

2011-01-09T07:00:00.000-08:00

I know its a bit late.
But hey, at least i post something up before dreadful tmr begins.

Partially looking forward to going back to school.
And you know where the other partial part goes to.

Anyways, im here to list my new year's resolutions.
Like i said, i know its a bit late.
Gonna make this year's resolution easy to follow.

1. Buy as many colours of tank tops as possible.
2. Do all my tutorials.
3. Mate my hamsters.
4. Make a play pen for my hamsters.
5. Stay in school until 8pm everyday to study.
6. Exercise at least four days a week.
7. Sleep early.
8. Go for more fleas.
9. Say good morning to my friends.
10. Learn how to fully use my POSB card.

That was lame.
I couldnt think of anything clever.
Could i add another?

11. Be more independent.

Nice.
Anyways, saturday, went to my bro's BMT fall out event.
Kinda cool.
Nice to see a bunch of uniformed guys marching and jolly and happy.
And not loser gamer faced all the time.
Though when they were done and we had to go down to meet my bro,
It was like walking into a pool of stinky socks.
And when i say stinky, I MEAN STINK~AY.

But it was nice.
One of those important, once in a lifetime, parents with no sons and sisters with no brothers could never attend such an event, a milestone kinda day for my family.
Nice one bro!
Well, i promise you guys some Taiwan updates.
Well, im a little lazy to write a story about it.
But i did took the effort to transfer the pics in my mum's camera over.
So here's a couple of the pictures.
And like i said, with my face in it.
Yea, deal with it.

Oh, and i took a lot of those Geography related photos.
I totally enjoyed this particular place where there were like so much land structures.
I was almost going into insanity.

You know what.
Im bored.
There's a ton of pictures i like and im really that lazy.
And i have school tmr.

I'll just find a fine day.
Post em' all on FB and link it here.
For now.
Bless me for tmr.

2010.

2010-12-30T09:45:00.000-08:00

Last day of 2010.
And im feeling nostalgic.
Awfully nostalgic.

In the beginning, i had a rough time getting use to my new school.
Who would have known that i've gotten into the school i actually once promised i never would want to go into.
What other choice did i have?
Other than Pioneer.
And i remember telling myself, will i regret?
Do i?
No, cas if i had, i wouldnt be promoting this year, and im grateful for that.
New is good, new is brave and i must remember that.

Forced to make new friends.
And tried hard to call out the right names most of the time.

Then it was Westline Camp.
And i wished it lasted forever.
Cas' that had to be the best of everything i did in this school.

Then i broke up with Xian.
Wasnt the most pleasant thing, next to losing my mum's camera.
Those were the days when i kept all my sorrow inside.
Drowning my hurt with nothing else but music plug to my ears, day in day out.
Listening to sad songs, fooling myself that they are making me feel better.
And the days i cried.
Thinking back, it was all foolishness.
But a lesson well taught and well learnt.

Then comes along Emi and Hermi.
Emi with her little illness.
Weak and forever small.
And bite me on my finger that took me days to heal.
Gave birth to four little pups, which never made it.
Made me sad for almost a week.
My worry for this little monster never creases.
And Hermi.
Always hoping he'll do the stretchy stretchy for me.
Never biting, always running.
And i know he loves to be massaged.
The most beautiful thing.
These two are like stars that i picked from the sky.
So precious.

Then i went through a series of political mess.
Taking out all my guts just to be a councilor.
I knew this was the only way if i ever wanted to have an opportunity to go for events.
To do a lot of things and learnt things no lectures can teach.
Turns out, there was nothing i found there but a mess of pride, judgments and fighting.
I learnt nothing and felt like i did nothing.
Nothing but pride.
Isnt what i was looking for.

Then it was friendship.
I knew i had the best form teacher, best classmates in the world.
Goofiest and noisiest, sometimes, i fear to lose any part of it.
And my fear is about to come true.
As one precious part of it will be gone when 2011 comes along.
But i had the best times of my life with this bunch of ppl.
The best times.

And in between a bunch of things.
My facial condition got better.
Had to go through two blood tests, that always never goes easy for me and my small invisible veins.
But it was worth it.
If i was ever gonna get my confidence back.
Then i had a crazy crush.
For those beautiful eyes and breathless strides.
Never been such a desperate stalker. Never.
But as the fight wears out and another gal in the picture, i guess the winner is not me.
It was fun. The most fun i had for the whole of this year.
Prolly the only thing that was worth looking forward to.

Then i cried in front of my mum.
What if i couldnt promote.
What if i said i didnt like where i am now.
What if i said i had dreams.
And going through so much fear for my results.
So much fear and perseverance.
So much.

Spending so much time with Alex and Celeste.
Fooling around.
Hardly studying.

Days that i spent going back to school.
Even during the holidays.
Sometimes alone.
Maybe most of the time alone.

Then got promoted.

My bro went into Army.
Shaved his curly, pitch dark hair.
Sink as hell.
Had my dad sitting on the couch, refusing to do anything until he called.
Reading his badly written letter.
And missed him most of the time that he came into mind.

Then i had to deal with being thrown at all corners.
Cas' i learnt such ugly truths.
If money can buy opportunities out there.
In here, results makes you a millionaire.
The world just isnt as clear anymore.

Then i went to Taiwan.
Looked like the whole place was in love.
Friendliest of people.
Yummiest of food and the cutest of clothings and accessories.
And the all the time i had survived with my mum and dad. Insane.
Spent Christmas opening my mum's presents.
Didnt had any presents this year.
And honestly, i couldnt even bother.
Cas' the best present is everyone is back home where they should be, safely and healthily.
Thats enough to ask for.
And i would ask it for every of my Christmases i'll have in my life.

Went through one hell of a roller-coaster this year.
Just like any other year.
I cant imagine the next though.

Here i sit, 3am in front of my laptop, with only my table lamp on, as i try to remember all that happened.
Alone and a little thirsty.
Not much friends, not much love, not much feelings.
Very much like a loser.
But i can hardly bother.
As the world is getting their beauty sleep for their hardcore partying tomorrow.
Im gonna wake up tmr, have Mcbreakfast with my Mum and Bro.
And spend the rest of my last day of 2010 with my mum
And then we'll count away 2010.
Together.

Happy New Year guys.

Its a choice.

2010-12-29T08:22:00.000-08:00

I am not in a good mood now.

Its those kinda days where it feels like the world is against you.
Like you feel like the world owes you something better.
Like everything's to blame for all the injustice in your life.
Like you wanna hurt someone, wanna punch a wall, wanna kick a ladder and make someone fall.
Everything is to blame but yourself.
When the truth is, its just you.
And you rotting in your own pathetic wimps and whines.
Argh.

How long do i need to wait.
To find something that can make me happy.
Anything.
Even if i can never find the most perfect partner to cuddle with during cold December nights.
At least, please dear god, whatever i dream in my head for years, please make it all come true.
I could never want anything more than this.
And i ache everyday, waiting for one day that i can set up that store at the corner of the mall.
Man, and i am so tempted to type down what it would be.
But its a secret i'll never tell.
I dont think even my mum knows.
And you know why i cant tell her.

And when i watch Katy Perry's Firework MV.
Im always asking myself.
When?
When?
When?
And everyday, im never satisfied with what i do.
And everyday, i wish i did better in something i HATE doing.
And you know, im never good at tolerating.
Thats why i lose friends, all the time.
Thats why i never listen to them.

Im a highly dependent person.
I fear loneliness and i never deny that.
But starting from today onwards, i promise, there is no one i'll be dependent on.
If im gonna overcome this fear, im gonna do this step by step.
Cas' i realised, if i wanna set up this store, i gotta be brave.
Calling companies, employing workers, going out there.
If this is what i truly want, i'll work for it.
And the first step is finding guts.
And if theres anyone i will be dependent on are only my mum, dad and bro.

Now, tmr will be a better day.
Shay said, happiness is a choice.

Friends are forever

2010-12-27T22:30:00.000-08:00

Laziness.

Okay.
I'll make it short.
So dont expect me to explain my whole journey in Taiwan.
I dont have all the pictures in Taiwan either, cas' i haven transferred the photos from my mum and dad's camera.
That was not an excuse.

Anyways, i had a lot of fun in Taiwan.
I'll definitely go back there again, so that explains how much i like it there.
The food is way over my expectation, the shopping there OMG WHERE DO I START.
The sunsets, the land formations, the ocean.
The amount of peace and quiet up in the mountains.
How awesome.
Didnt sound sarcastic on purpose i swear.

If i get hold of all the photos, i'll post up a few of those.
Mostly ones with my faces in it, like duh?
XD.
And i'll explain more about the trip too.
I know i didnt do much justice to the trip by my sparse description above.

Anyways, yesterday was 4e1's class outing to Sentosa.
Bad weather, bad surroundings.
Prolly the only reason i really went was to see all those morons that i've not seen for like ages.
Wanying, Liting, Debbimon, Choowei, Griffin, etc.
It was nice.
Esp, Wanying.
Well, i know she'll be reading this so.

Hey.
XD.
Nay, i just wanted to say.
The christmas present i gave you yesterday.
I didnt buy it on impulse really, though honestly i brought it last minute and unwrapped with no handwritten card attached.
Its a wee bit too insincere.
But i definitely didnt buy it on impulse.
I thought it was only right i thank you for always comforting and encouraging me with your words.
For always reading my blog posts and for not being ashamed that you do.
Cas for some crazy reason, ppl tend to not like admitting they do.
Me included.
XD.
Wanna thank you for being there during those rough times.
Cas all i needed then was someone's, anyone's support and you were the only one there.
Not just once, but everytime.
And i am grateful for that.
And amazingly, you understood just how and what i felt.
And im absolutely grateful for that too.
Secondly, it was also partly because i feel a little guilty i couldnt spend as much time with you when i said i would.
And im sorry for that.
Anyways, there's one thing i needa' tell ya' too.
But i think Jeslynn should have told you a million times, i guess.
Be patient.
I know i have no rights in saying much, since i dont know who is he really.
But i know, this is one decision ppl take years to, you know, decide.
And i know he is not the same as Xian.
But in the beginning, i thought he would be the right one.
I even swore we could never go wrong.
And look where the F are we now?
Im not saying its always like that.
Maybe im the suay one.
And you could prove me wrong.
But its important to remember not to commit ENTIRELY, things that are difficult to be undone and stuffs.
And remember something i always believed in, never get married till you have lived with him for a couple of years at least.
Cas thats when you'll truly know.
Just keep yourself safe and if there's anything, Jeslynn, Kaixuan, sue, Yuan ning, everyone will be there for you.
Me included.
Well, these are all the things i wanted to tell you yesterday.
Just didnt had the guts too.
I never had guts for anything.
Love ya and see ya soon! ^^

Well, talking about such stuffs.
Yesterday's outing made me reconfirm, double crop something i've been wondering recently.
I remembered why we could never work out.
Xian never changed.
Its the ego, the pride, the attention-seeking, the beng-ness i cant stand.
And im not saying thats a bad thing.
Just not my type.
Plus he's a gamer and it's already proven that gamers take a longer time to mature.
And I just dont have that much the patience.
Im just glad we didnt work out.

Okay.
Needa get back on my holiday work.
Promise i'll post up something more interesting the next time round.

Here i come.

2010-12-10T08:06:00.000-08:00

Flying off tmr morning.
Have to be outta house by 6am.
Which means i have to get my ass up by freakin' 5am.
Great.

Because my bro's field camp happens throughout this week,
He has to write a letter to home.
It was in horrible handwriting, but he explained himself that he had to write in the dark.
If i had to write in the dark, while slapping mosquitoes to death at the same time, my letter will prolly just look like this.

"Dear, M~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
`~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Save me....."

OR
My letter wouldnt even exist, cause i have almost serious nightblindness and i wont even be able to find any pen and paper.

Anyways, reading his letter.
I could see that it was those letters where "you cant freakin' think of anything to write but your teacher wants it in by 5mins" kinda letter.
But reading it, out loud cas' my dad came in all excited to passed me the letter, i have this fuzzy feeling, mostly of sadness.
First, i miss him greatly, of course.
Second, i cant believe im going Taiwan w/o him.
Though it has been countless of times that i wished he didnt have to follow us for all the shopping trips,
Its just not right to not have him tagging with us this time round.
Maybe i've found the source of the clenching pain i feel in my insides these few days.
Now, how am i to survive when he goes overseas to study, i dont know.

Im done packing in my stuffs.
Brought 3 empty SD cards for my camera.
I dont know for what since i'll prolly run out of battery first before memory.
Brought Bio notes too, dont ask and dont judge.
I know 100% of the you ppl reading this would go,
"For what man, i confirm you will not go read one, CONFIRM PLUS CHOP you wont even take out."
I think so too.

Anyways, my mum says there'll be wireless at the hotel lobbies, so if there's anything important, send me a note on my Facebook wall or something.
Text me, i'll reply via Facebook, i hope.

So.
Do pray for us to have a safe trip.
For my bro to come home safely and survive the weekend alone.
For Emi and Hermi to stay safe and not be homesick.

Will be back 24Dec.
Taiwan, HERE I COME!

Truly

2010-12-09T09:26:00.000-08:00

Its 1.26am.
Going to sleep soon.
Needa clean out my camera's memory tmr.
Sync in some new songs into my itouch.
Flying off on Sat morning.
I dunno what to feel.
Excited but why is it that i feel this clenching pain in my insides.
Like there's something i needa do before its too late.
I dunno.

I left my hammies at Andy's place, and i feel empty.
Like a corner of my heart's been craved out.
Its become a habit to glance at the spot where they used to be at.
And every random sounds makes me look at that very spot almost immediately.
I hope they do well.

Went to Shannon's mansion.
Realised how the world can be so unfair.
But then learnt that, nothing comes easily w/o hardwork, patience and innovation.
I would be rich one day.
And the first thing i'll get is a big mansion for my mum.

Been thinking about my past a wee bit too much.
And i know i shouldnt and i know im stronger than this.
No means no.
Put the past behind, say goodbye forever, to never dream, see or think.
To always remember, a boy's waiting for you, somewhere in this world i know.
And he's prolly sleeping now, alone under his blanket in this windless night.
Waiting for me too.
And if i could be a little bit more patient, and hold on to this belief,
I'll be loved, be seen for the best, be accepted for my worse.
To be carried in the arms and cradled to sleep.
To wipe away all i fear, along with all my tears.
To be given kisses, like not a care in the world.
To dance across the chilly streets, to all our joys and success.
And to be taken by a pair of shaky hands, forehead to forehead, tears in my eyes, with our heads spinning from rushing adrenaline and mindless giggles
With whom one day, out there, i'll come to meet.
To whom will love me, truly.

Like an Angel

2010-12-07T08:27:00.000-08:00

Hey.
Haven been posting recently.
Blame my restlessness and laziness.
No surprise.

Well.
Here's a summary of whats been happening in my pathetic life.

Class Outing to Sentosa was so much fun, plus the fireworks, it felt like everything was in place to celebrate us, 10s02.
If only everyone could come, it would have been perfect.
But nothing's perfect.

JJ Grad Night 2010.
I have no better way to put this, but it was a feast to the eyes.
I have never describe a guy as an "angel" before, cas i think it just makes them sound gay.
But i could not find any other more suitable adjective.
One looked like an angel.
One can make you lightheaded when he smiles OMG.
Two looked like korean pop stars.
And one, the prom king.
One night in heaven aint that bad. Aint that bad at all.

Facilitating for Grad Night felt really good.
Other than the scenery of beautiful boys.
It just makes me really excited for MY Grad Night next year, i could die with anticipation.
I want a perfect dress, perfect hair, perfect date, perfect night.
Plus must win first for Lucky Draw.
Not asking too much really.

Finally, a casual outing to Queensway to make some class jacket.
Had some accidental shopping at Anchor Point.
Then behaving like kids at Ikea and having warm Hotdog while walking against the night breeze.
I couldnt ask for more.

Thats all for now.
Going to Shannon's party on Thurs, even though im not invited.
Thinking about it makes me extremely mad though.
Not cas' of the fact that im not invited personally, i have nothing on Shannon, but argh, this other moron i dont even wanna say his name.
Please know, i hold on to my grudges really faithfully long.
Im extremely sensitive to this subject and i promise i wont get revenge, cas' that would be extremely childish and short-lived, but i'll remember.
And when i remember, i'll never be kind.

Well.
What else.
On a random thought, i realised i have a soft spot for bromance.
Maybe that explains my affiliation for Jake and Amir.
Im disgustingly weird sometimes.

Plus i have an major meltdown for beautifully carved men in plain white tees and morning bed hair.
That is never selfish on his smiles and baby blur eyes.
Manly hands and arms.
Maybe i should stop typing now.

Pets for love

2010-11-30T04:15:00.000-08:00

Hey peeps.
Peepy peeps of the peep world.

Rmb i talked about the vlog thingy.
Scrap that from your memory and lets move on together.
It was so difficult thinking about things to talk about, i almost died.

Okay.
I learnt something valuable today though.
I found out to never buy your pets from a pet store.
Never ever.
Even from the most clean and glamorous of pet store, no.
Cas i realised, its not just about hygiene issues anymore.

Firstly, we all know buying pets from pet stores are EXPENSIVE, duh.
Secondly, if only you knew about the Puppy Mill Horror.
Thirdly, there's adoption.

I will not elaborate about the first point, cas that, duh, we are pretty clear on that issue.
About the second point.
PuppyMill Horror, is a very very sad truth about reality.
When we think animal abuse, we think oh,
"Snake, Rino, elephant medicines, shark fin's soup"
"the china women who steps on kittens"
"the owner who kicks and whacks his dog"
"abandon pets..."
But we never ask ourselves, or at least myself.
"Where do these animals come from at the pet store?"

For me, i always assume that, "They breed it themselves, DUH?"
Pretty naive of me.

We were always taught that we can buy pets from the pet store, like how we buy chicken from the supermarkets.
Yea, but i bet you didnt know that this two issues are more similar than you actually think.
Have you watched FOOD INC the documentary?
(If not, go watch it morons.)
Dogs, in particular, are produced just the same way.

In dirt, in horrid horrid conditions, in fear, in pain, beyond what you can imagine.
Go through the "Puppymill Horror" link i gave above and i'll not need to explain.

What saddens me the most is that, unlike chicken or cows (not saying that im okay with they way chickens and cows are treated), these dogs are actually needed, alive and not for food, for entertainment.
Breeding to death, for what?

For us, always us us us.
Consumer's demands.
I'm always conscious of this issue for food, products, etc.
But never for pets.
For now i know the horrible truth, its disgusting.

And the third point-adoption.
To make matters worse, people buy then abandon.
To me, at least, it feels like a toymaker is going through some life and death situation to make just one toy and the buyer soon throws the toy aside, with no conscious of the value of this toy.
Not that im saying pets are toys, but you get my point.

Just like the issue with manufactured food and organic foods.
The lesser the demand for the bad stuffs, the lesser the need to produce them.
The lesser the demand for pet store pets, the lesser the need for such abuse.

And i always wanna make it a point that, pets are really not toys.
Not something you wanna get on impulse, for fashion, for whatever the wrong reasons.
If only you are looking for a lifelong companion and love, do you get a pet.
Whether a kitten, an insect, a hamster, a bird, they all deserve love and commitment.
And if you cant do it, DONT GET A PET.
DONT.

And when you do wanna get a pet, adopt one.
Like i've been explaining for the past few mins, no pet store pets.
I know when you think of "adopting pets"
Things that come to your mind are,
"Sickly"
"Must be got problem, thats why no one wants them."
"Must be not cute one."

I agree, maybe there are pets at animal shelters with problems.
But you have forgotten or dont know that there are a handful of pets that are abandon, not because they have health/attitude problems but solely because their owners just cant handle COMMITMENT.
In other words, these animals have really, no problem at all.
And there are cute ones, if you look hard enough, i bet.

Besides, at least, from what i think i know, any kind of dog as a nature of loving humans.
So if they can love you and bring you joy, like how my hamsters do for me, no amount of cuteness is needed.

Lesson learnt:
1. Do not buy pets from pet stores. (Not meaning all of the pet stores but most pet stores adopt the Puppymill thing, so...)
2. Think before you keep a pet. (When i say think, you think HARD!)
3. Adopt a pet. (Why do you wanna buy a puppy, when there's free and healthy ones, begging for you to bring him home?)

Well, gonna end this off by saying,
I love my hamsters for all the joy and companionship they have provided me.
And i return to them the same.
And although they are not like dogs, where its obvious they recognize your voice and all.
But i know they recognise my commitment and care to them, and recognise me to some extent.
Since they dont bite me anymore.
I'll still treat them with the same love and concern for any given pet.
LOVE YA EMI AND HERMI!

I am not bored.

2010-11-29T07:46:00.000-08:00

You've guessed it.
Been slacking full scale at home playing wii, watching movies and youtube vids.
Hell ya, luxury.
After what i've been through i swear i'll never complain that im bored.
Gonna enjoy while it last, i swear.

Well, the only hard work i had today was cleaning Emi and Hermi's cages.
Two hours for two cages, its call dedication.
Thank you.

Anyways, i know its only been a few seconds, but i think i shall change my mind about "enjoy while it last".
I think i need to start on my holiday homework, since im gonna fly off soon.
Not gonna go back to school making the same dumb mistakes again.
This time, i need to fight this war with a little more brains-for a start, wear some armor.

What else.
I better find a hostel for Emi and Hermi soon, through my overseas trip.
At the rate that Emi's drinking and peeing and Hermi's appetite, it life and death.

Hello Stranger out in theaters this coming thursday.
CANNOT BELIEVE IT.
CANT WAIT FOR IT.
And the idea of having to watch it with a total stranger just went down the drain.
Oh com'on, you seriously think i was fer real at the "total stranger" shit.
Nah, actually i was *clear throat... rooting *clear throat... for *clear throat... C.

Okay.
These few days i've been considering of starting a vlog.
Ya know, video blogging.
SINCE im so freaking bored.
NOOOOOO did i say bored?
I meaning to say, "since im so freaking enjoying this damn awesome hohohoholidays!"
Yea.
Maybe i should maybe i would.

I think this is going nowhere.
No pictures of me, no proper content.
Yea, i love it when ya' waste your time here.
Love it.

CCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCC.
I should STOP thinking of you.
Or else imma kick your ass!
Wait.
Then i'll think of me kicking your ass.
This is going nowhere too.

Bus driver from hell

2010-11-24T06:49:00.000-08:00

Gah.
Haven been ranting for pretty long.
Blame revision tests.
I find myself pretty foolish at some point when i realised that i like to boast to people, a lot and very casually, that i have to take all three of my H2 revision papers.
If im looking for sympathy, damn it im a fail.

Anyways, now that the revision tests are all over.
I am finally feeling, holiday has finally arrived.

And what better way to spend it but excising in the school gym with Celeste M.D,
goofing on the field till the sun really burnt our fragile skin,
seeing C for a few secs (not very impressive but thank you nonetheless),
lunching on a cheese burger,
fiddling with my Happy Meal toy and naming it Moron (inspiration taken from Alex),
watched a soccer match,
hoped to see hot boys from MI and was gravely disappointed,
got harassed by a 'monster' and called in two knights to save my poor piece of technology,
singing Thai songs with Celeste M.D and eventually going back home alone.
Awesome day.

Oh, and i gotta tell you something.
WHF is wrong with bus drivers?
No, let me rephrase, WHFFF IS WRONG WITH THIS PARTICULAR BUS DRIVER?!?
Seriously, if for real, im a Jedi, and i have a lightsaber, imma seriously poke the tip of that saber shit into his retard eyeballs and leave the whole bus screaming and him dying of awesome pain.

Seriously.
His problem?
He wouldnt give me my bus ticket.
Seriously?
Worth burning his eyeballs?
Hell yea.

First day, i threw in 60cents and stared at the ticket terminal thing, waiting for him to pull the freaking lever.
WHF he didnt.
And i prolly guess that, "Oh, maybe i paid too little."

Second day, i threw in 70 freaking cents and again i stared at the ticket terminal shit, waiting for him to pull the lever.
And yea, he chose not to.
Wait, what pissed me off right there and then is that,
1: He pulled the lever for the woman in front of me.
2: Seeing that shit as a face again.

Since i figured its not the money issue.
Then there's three conclusions,
1: He's getting too weak for a second lever pull.
2: He hates JJC people.
3: (Oh yea, you're gonna like this one), im prolly too small he couldnt see me, but F, what about the sound of coins hitting the metal, im sure he heard that.
Which than leads to a new conclusion, he's deaf.

I want to believe its the second conclusion.
Is it possible for some ppl to never reach puberty,
Cas' im pretty sure this idiot has not, knowing how immature he is, if my conclusion is the fact.
Moron.

Plus, he drives SO recklessly and im not kidding at how much danger is jeopardizing that bus load of people.
Which includes me and i would trade my soul if i were to have to die in his stupid bus.

Sometimes, after a long day, when you have to take the bus alone, a smile would really make everyone's day end well.
If bus drivers could be more friendlier, less money minded and smiled more, life could be less of a torture.

So anyways, thats about pretty much all that is significant for the past days.
Unless you wanna believe that i cant be bothered to rmb all that has happened and too lazy to write further and rather go watch YouTube vids instead.
You can.

Well, before i end off, i shall write a little about C, since i always do and will continue to.
Some of you have prolly guessed who is it already.
Honestly, i have no idea how you did it or whether i was that obvious in my little obsession.
But i will appreciate and hope you keep it in your heart and not spill it all about.
Since i do not have a brave heart and he must not know or i'll kill myself if i were mocked about it.
I just want this to be my little secret crush and not some world wide newsflash.
Not that ppl around the world could bother, but you get my point.

Well, i haven seen him as often as i try to.
Plus now that my holiday is starting, its gonna just be me and his photo, that i prolly memorized, as i slacked at home.
Not nice at all.
I actually do miss him and the fact that he's a stranger i've never talked to, its just wrong.
I guess i miss how he walks, runs, laughs, eats and whatever a stalker can see from afar.
Plus, the most upsetting thing is prolly knowing/guessing that there's this gal thats having some relation with him.
I do not know what, but im sure a relation much better than with me.
And as each day pass, i get increasingly paranoid that maybe one fine day my little obsession would change to, "in a relationship".

Then my fine day wouldnt be so fine after all and further on.

Konichiwa.

2010-11-16T09:00:00.000-08:00

Okay, quick one.
Finally, i can watch Gossip Girl Season 4.
And after hearing some bad reviews before it, i thought the GG i use to know is gone forever.
Glad i was wrong.
Chuck look cuter than E.V.E.R.

My bro just came back from Army today.
Hari Raya holiday, thats why.
He looked different and somewhat familiar, but overall, just funny.
Cas' he stinks, and everyone looks at him suspiciously.
Like he has some deadly virus he could pass on to us-we pinched our noses, kept our distance.
And we're called family.
Okay, maybe its just me.
XD!

Was extremely chilly today.
It was like we had our very own mini winter.
I dont mind actually.
I love this kinda weather.
Cas' its the, smooth hair, cool skin, no stink, sweatless days.
LOVE.

Saw C today.
Wasnt expecting to see him really.
Knowing that i tried to pick him out during the OGL rehearsals outdoors.
And having hoped he came down for break to have his meals.
But was disappointed.
Not until the very end though.
He prolly ran in the rain.
Now why even rain wouldnt keep him in school.
I have no luck.
No, i have limited luck.
But well, one cool discovery i've found.
Finally the photo is out, mad awesome!
Couldnt stop giggling everytime i see the photo, ppl on the bus must have thought i was a little bit too stressed.

And one bad discovery is, i think i have competitors.
I mean, like thats any surprise at all.
He's too good to be ignored.
And my taste couldnt be that bad either.
Terrible thing is, she knows him and he knows her.
So im pretty much, "Sayonara, stranger."
Yea, sayonara.

Argh.
Why must i be a teenager.

Shopaholic.

2010-11-13T09:11:00.000-08:00

Im too tired to write anything about today in much detail, that i wish i could.
But i spent a bomb.
But it didnt hurt, since i think it was a good sum to spent for a load of things that i really liked and wanted and been looking for since like forever.
I'm happy.

And massive great thanks to Sharon for running with me to at least three Rubi outlets to get that pair of pretty red shoes!
And of course many thanks to Junyi for tolerating with me.
I had fun.
Fun i hadnt had since i forgot when.
Thanks.

Well, i bought a bag, a pair of shoes, two pairs of shades, a bow tie, suspenders and two quirky tops-i feel awesome.
I think i scared my friends.
When i tell you i am a shopaholic, believe me.

Anyways ways ways.
I miss C.
Urgh, im really an a-hole.
I wish i was a guy and he a girl.
I would have flattered her, tell her how beautiful she is, tell her i've been thinking about her.
Tell her i dont care if she's not looking for love, if she doesnt like me or she's waiting for someone,
I just wanna be her friend.
Your friend.

Gah.
Im going to sleep.

JWSS choir

2010-11-12T07:17:00.000-08:00

Hey-low, Say Ho!
Went back to JWSS choir today.
With Orange Glow Mole.
Reminiscing a lot.
Really miss those days and definitely the two instructors.
W/o them, things are really very different.
Its like, the soul of choir all gone, i guess.
Like the heart of that room.
Quite sad.

Juniors were extremely cute i must must must say.
Esp Jackson, changed a lot.
But puberty did him good.
Vanessa, she just as cool.
So yup, things are good.

Saw C today, just for a few secs.
Heartbreaking, but after a nap to allow my heart to sew itself back, kinda glad i saw him at least.

Cant wait for the shopping trip with the gals tomorrow.
Been talking about it since like, before promos?
Finally its here.
Its gonna be FUN.

Maybe i shouldnt keep a blog.
Just shows how boring my life is.
Gah.

Oh and please pardon me for all the pics thats just me making faces.
Its either my face or redundant snaps of toys and bears and stationary.
Yea.
My life's boring, stop reminding me already.

Yawn.

2010-11-10T09:03:00.000-08:00

Here to update you in the fastest way possible.

Been watching all of Jake and Amir vids on Youtube.
Been watching WGM, and smiling my ass off.
Oral Presentation went pretty well, if you exclude Q&A.
What else what else what else.
Saw C yesterday but not today.
Been studying in school.
Meeting the V.P tmr morning, not sure if i would be nervous a not, but i must not be late.

High-fived with Chingz (Ching Hao) knowing that PW is finally over.
Its news worth mentioning, knowing that i seldom have successful High Fives.

I just came across a korean song, plus its sang by my newly fav. member, Tae Yeon.
Title: Can you hear me.
Everything i feel about C, its express in that song, ENTIRELY.
I mean its rare to find an entire song that express all of what you're feeling.
And i prolly guess you'll be too lazy to google the translations.
You're welcome.

Even if it hurts a little, I tear,
My heart cries out every time I pass in front of you, next to you

Although my whole world is you,
Although I only long for you,
In front of you, I can’t do anything

As if you’re not the one for me,
As if this is a moment that will pass,
I can’t seem to be able to take a step closer to you,
Who will easily pass me by

You make me restless, you make me tear,
Like a fool, like a child,
Just smile it off

As I get closer to you,
I become more scared,
I guess this love can’t stop

Why is it that only my love is slow?
Why is it that only love is painful for me?
Although I’m in front of you, next to you

Although my whole world is you,
Although I only long for you,
In front of you, I only look elsewhere

As if you’re my last,
As if this is the last moment,
I can’t seem to be able to take a step closer to you,
Who will easily pass me by

You make me restless, you make me tear,
Like a fool, like a child,
Just smile it off

It’s love,
Even if I can only see you from far away

Perhaps, if this wait, this longing reaches you; is audible,
Just act as if you don’t notice,
Everytime I apporach you, I become more scared,
I guess this love can’t stop

I know, i know.
Its beautiful, aint it.
And i prolly also guess you guys would be too lazy to youtube the song.
You're welcome.

Till next time, yawn.

Jake and Amir: Scared

2010-11-08T08:46:00.000-08:00

The reason why i like Jake and Amir SO MUCH.
1: Jakes super cute CAN!!
2: Amir, he just reminds me of myself.

Yea.

Forget.

2010-11-08T08:25:00.001-08:00

Oral Presentation FOR REAL is tmr.
I rehearsed so much, please lord, dont let me fall tmr.
Let me get a easy question and please please please dont let me stumble on my words.
Wish me all the best!

My bro's in the Army now.
Weird as it seems like his girlfriend has taken my place.
Sorry i couldnt be there.
Well, i bid farewell to him this morning while he was in the toilet.
I was going out for school, so i thought it would only be right to say a goodbye at least.
We dont really do this very often-saying "bye bye" to my bro when we head out.
So it was very weird that when i said it outside the toilet door, i was almost to tears.
Be safe!

Well, today i saw C.
Yea, it was a heart-racing moment, like always.
Just a glimpse, even just a peek of the back of his head.
I dunno, makes my heart jump-start a frenzy.
Anyways, seeing him now, for me, is a whole new different situation already.
I kept forcing myself, kept screaming in my head,
"YOU DONT KNOW HIM, HE'S NOT THERE, HE'S NOT THERE, NO ONE'S THERE, NOTHING'S THERE, LISTEN TO ME YOU MORON, LISTEN.TO.ME!"
It was a pretty torturous moment.
Making myself, forcing myself like that, was just beyond anything i've ever forced myself into before.
I just couldnt bear the fact that he's gonna leave, its too insane for me to bear.

And through the weekend, i swear i was getting over this obsession.
And i knew, just one peek of him, thats it.
And true enough, true enough.

And just like any other days, when i saw him walk away, i swore i stared into the space, just before he disappeared behind the wall, for a whole 5mins or more.
Then i buried my head in between my knees.
And rock myself better.

Since i cannot be brave.
Thats why i need to forget him.

Be safe.

2010-11-07T10:26:00.000-08:00

So my bro's going into Army tmr.
Sadly, I can't go to send him off.
I have OP rehearsals tmr, and I wish I hadn't.
Well, though I've never really spend much time with him nowadays.
And as we grow, it's just gonna get worse, the distance.
And they say, with modern technology, we are more connected and closer to your love ones.
How much irony.

But he won't be gone forever.
Prolly miss his presence at least.
And its gonna be sure I'll have nightmares.
If I've never mentioned, when someone leaves for very long, I'll always have nightmares.
Didn't know this til my mum mention this trend of mine.

Well, I'll pray for his safety everyday at least till he returns.
For now, it is never safe to say, "what could ever go wrong?"

Have been watching "We got Married" till 2am.
Khuntoria!
Made me smile till my cheeks iterally ached.
Made me feel awesome knowing that one day,
My husband would be able to drive me anywhere,
Carry me in his arms,
Plans surprises,
Makes decisions,
All kinds of things I only can see and never know what it feels like.

A motivation to live on, other than my mum and my dream,
It prolly also to meet the other part of me.
Prolly waiting for me too, somewhere out there.
I can't wait!

Jake and Amir

2010-11-06T10:20:00.000-07:00

I love JAKE AND AMIR!
Watching all their vids.
Esp love this one for that moment when Amir quickly places his arm just before Jake lies down.
XD!

Heaven is a store.

2010-11-06T08:47:00.000-07:00

First i was like, "Aww, thats so cute!"
Then i was like, "You lazy little hammy!"
Came back and, "Oh for Christ sake."

Lesson learnt: Do not add your principal or the vice-principal on Facebook.
Nothing's save anymore.
Nothing.

XD!
Nah.
Just saw something epic on FB.
Nope, dont rebond.
The only good out of it is you'll prolly look like a mushroom.
Which is cute.
But im biased and it's gonna be pretty hard to recognize you since i am partially useless w/o my specs.

Anyways, im meaning to wish my dear Nive a Happy Deepavali via SMS.
And because my phone so conveniently went flat, plus im lazy like that.
So Deepavali went by w/o that thought fulfilled.
Good friend i am.

Well, i've been thinking, maybe dreaming of what my shop would be like in the future.
Yea, i would look to open a shop.
And i could tell you my inspiration and the nearest possible to what i always dreamt for, i have found it.
Its called the Editor's Market, if im not wrong.
Let me tell you a cheesy story of how i came across this particular store.

I was with my class and we're prolly hanging out after a heavy meal at some shopping center.
And weirdly as it seems, i drifted.
And i walked through the seemingly empty corridor and casually looked into all the shops that lined this corridor.
Big, dark stores, i remember.
And i remember because as i look into them, i see that these stores and their brands are most likely locals who opened them.
As i walked, i stopped short and was ready to turn back, for all the stores looked the same-really dark and boring.
I remembered turning, seeing YanTeng, then i turned back again for one last look.
And like a calling, i continued walking until i went into this particular store and my heart literally skipped a beat.
(Yea, i've warned you it'll be cheesy.)
And straight away, i know this is what i want.
Everything about this store is so perfect, it felt like i was in my own little heaven.
I love it.
Every corner, every shelf, all the clothes, down to the lights the floor and the music.
I love it.
And i came out doe eyed and full of adoration.

And the first thing i had in mind was that im gonna use this store as my motivation.
To fight through all this nonsense in life, focus on whats important, which most likely means steering away from boys.
Yes, which means, i should start cooling down on all my obsession with C.
Im gonna brave through this useless year and im gonna make my dream come true.
No matter how silly people think i am, i am sure this is what i want.
And imma gonna make it real.

Well, other than those.
I broke my nail on my right middle finger.
And i am not sure how i am gonna play the guitar.
But i'll leave that problem for tomorrow.

I know this is prolly boring.
Unless you're a superhero of some sort or a vampire reading twilight and laughing, life's boring.
So im no different-just that i put it all up on the interweb for all to share my misery.
Cas' im cruel like that.
Okay, thats it.

I would.

2010-11-05T09:53:00.000-07:00

Give everything to know you.
Give everything to see you.
Give everything to forget you.
Cas' it's killing me that I can't have you.

If dying could make me your friend, I would.
For all I care is to talk to you.

Missing C already.
Did I mention that I'll be able to pull through the two months?
I think I spoke to early.

I should really stop torturing myself by reminding myself how if I could be an OGL, I could see him.
I should stop feeling horrible that I missed the chance to knowing him.
And I should stop killing myself by thinking of all the possibilities of him falling for someone else during his camp.
Stop stop stop.

And I should stop wishing that I am a vampire.
For if that's the case, I could seduce him with my supernatural looks and smell.

Young and reckless.

2010-11-04T08:49:00.000-07:00

Hey kids.
Reread my post yesterday.
Major fail post.
First, cas' it was rushed.
Second, i was so tired i could have almost died.
Third, i had so much typo errors cas i posted it via my itough-not very easy.

But anyways,
Today wasnt that bad.
Now when i make my wish, it better not be only for C.
Gosh.

I said i hope i'll get to see C today, as much as possible.
And of the best kinda way.
Yea, this i generously got.
But other than C, today was total fail.

First, today had to be the first day of my period.
So tummy cramps.
Plus, i didnt want to go home, for i couldnt lose any part of today for any chance of seeing C.
No i cannot.
Got myself some hot milo, a long long sleep and Ponyo Ponyo to make me feel better again.
Side note: Whoever haven watch Ponyo Ponyo before, you're such a loser.
Totally my FAVORITE movie, TO THE MAX.

Secondly, came home and got pretty pissed off at my parents over dinner.
Really not the best feeling.

Thirdly, realizing my hair was in such a mess.
Regretted not going to the toilet before seeing C.
But i couldnt make myself do it, since lady fate isnt on my side.
So i prolly had to fight it, and sat there all the way in cheating hope i wont miss the chance of seeing C.
Hah.

Anyways, other than today.
Another thing is bothering me again.
If you've read the newspaper, you'll know about the boy who got murdered.
Its bothering me because,

First, he didnt deserve to die.
No matter what he was, what the murders are, nobody deserves to die like that.
Gangster or not.
And one day, when the young murders, if they are even spared prosecution, would regret this choice, im pretty sure.
Young and reckless.
Over such a thing, no one deserved to die.
And when they've grown and learnt that life's more than what they see now, they'll regret that this life they took away from this young boy, prolly reckless and naive too, wasnt necessary.
Wasnt necessary at all.

Secondly, the boy's parents.
Raising a child, isnt the easiest thing.
From seeing him wobble on his first steps.
Worrying for his results.
His health, what kind of friends he is having, how he's feeling.
The amount of blood, sweat, money, wrinkles spent on a child.
He's practically a whole world to his parents.
A gangster he may be, a retard, or even a sickly child, is still a child to their parents.
And the love and support that they may tend to not show, no matter what their child is, is prolly the only never ending thing.
Imagine, your son calls you to tell you he'll be out for dinner.
The next call you recieve, he's dead.
Gone forever.
Like you wished it was a prank, and realizing it isnt.
All you ever wanted to say, he'll never hear.
Like a treasure you kept with you for 19years, missing now.
How could anyone go through such a trauma and remain sane.
How could anyone, knowing there is someone waiting for him at home, take this life away from them, i dont know.
I really dont know.

And i really hope there would be a harsh punishment for these murderers.
Not that i really want the murderers to be tortured in the most severe way ever and regret what they did-cas whats done is done for them.
But in hope that all the young and reckless out there know that this shall never happen again, for they need to pay grave amounts for their actions.
No one has to die like this and no other parent deserves this.

Well, just wanted to spit out all thats bothering me lately.
Gonna end by the same way always.
I saw C today.
In the morning, our paths crossed, and i prolly looked extremely foolish for suddenly dropping my head to the ground.
Prolly had my share of his pretty neatly combed hair at the back of his head during morning assembly.
And cas it was the last day of school, i had more bravery to stare for more than i should at his pretty face.
Making sure i catch every detail of his laughter, and his eyes the most beautiful and intense of all, i swear.
His hair, airy and light, curling at the most perfect places.
How he sits then stands, turns and his hands.
And his smile, his watch and him on the phone.
His voice, not too deep, not too high, warm and like he's having a cold, extremely comforting.
How tan his arms, neck and the sides of his cheeks are, but he remains oddly radiant and fair.
How he drinks a lot and looks at things really REALLY closely, makes me giggle inside.
How he swings he arms when he runs and how his clothing is very well ironed out.
Black shoes, grey socks, blue bagpack and a large bottle of green tea.
Has a 14yr old sister and his dad's car is silver.

I think im ready for my work-packed holiday now.
Hmm, now i wonder if he had me memorized too.
Well, still feeling a little uncomfortable but congrats for he has become an OGL.
Kinda ashamed that i went up there and faced awkward stares, they knowing i have no purpose looking at the OGL facilitators list.
Sad.

Happy Deepavali!

Last day of school

2010-11-03T09:52:00.000-07:00

Believe me when I say, I on the com, totally went dozing off the moment I stared at the screen,
Then I off it, all within 15mins.
I'm that tired.

Just here to briefly say my day.
So be prepared to stay awake too.

I totally excerised today.
In the gym.
Yea.
Next big plan to try to go there everyday.
Which i may eventually give up doing someday.

Well, C had his interview today.
Hope it went well.
Though part of me secretly wish it didn't, since I wasn't in.
And I get a little concern for no reason.
But I ain't that selfish, so I'll just stick to hoping he did well.

Saw him today.
Many times.
And it's kinda cool how for this whole week.
It's never, "I wish I see him today, I hope I see him today, I want to see him today.."
I see him everyday.
Which is to me, AWESOME!

Thing is, I'm feeling pretty uneasy.
Cas, tmr's the last day of school.
And I don't have to explain further what that means.

And I'm dying inside cas, it'll be a month or two before I can see him.
I think it's gonna be an excruciating two months.
All I can do now is, hope tmr's sightings would be an unforgettable one.
So much so, it'll last me a month at least.

Last day of school, be nice please.

Okay jump.

2010-11-02T07:55:00.000-07:00

How can i begin w/o making myself sound like a depressed kid.
Which you can also scream, "Emo kid emo kid emo kid, why so emo and so on so forth.."

Dont you find it annoying at all?
When you're just being down, and people like to go all jolly with their, "Why so emo lehs." and their, "Dont so emo lahs."
Dont you just wanna kick their ass, as an act towards feeling better again.

Anyways, if i've mentioned the word 'unfair' in my previous post.
The word 'unfair' in this post will be expressed with much more injustice and anger and prolly violence too.
How can it be that my results could have anything to do with my conduct?
First time in my most dreaded educational years, have i ever came across such a rule.
I used to fail super badly, i dont think i need to explain further how bad.
But never have i had my results ruin my conduct, never.

When i heard the explanation, i prolly must have just blank out in pure shock and a little of painful amusement-i was speechless, beyond speechless, prolly i didnt even breathe too.
My conduct is just one day short to a full mark-i got a 'VERY GOOD'.
Someone else's conduct is 20,30 days short to a full mark-he got an 'EXCELLENT".

Now which part of the word 'conduct' and 'results' have i gotten wrong?
Please someone tell me.
I would die if i could know.

Honestly, i pretty much had enough of this results thing.
Everything.
Nothing is not "based on your results..."
Even for the most ridiculous things.
To the point, i think its not i who is insane, the world, the school is insane.

Maybe just maybe, when i plan to kill myself, this would most prolly happen.

ME: Im jumping!
SCHOOL: OH NO WAIT! How's your results?"
ME: Erm...I failed Math...again..then..
SCHOOL: Oh no, i dont think you can kill yourself now girl, dont think you're eligible yet, maybe if you...
ME: But...I got As for my other subjects, so..
SCHOOL: Okay jump.

Yea, you get what i mean.

Overseas trips, i understand.
OGL camp, i understand.
Conduct, wtf.
What next?
Toilet break priorities?

I dont know whats right anymore.

Its gonna be a long day tmr, better shut my eyes early today.
If its a battle they want, tired is not the best way to win.

Other than those,
Yea, you saw it coming.
Saw C today again.
Drenched in sweat and pure hotness.
Equals creepy squeals, endless excitement and meaningless name-callings like,
"Now, wheres that patch of hotness." And "I SEE THAT BALL OF HAMSTER!"

Please ignore me.

Insulin Injection

2010-11-01T08:15:00.000-07:00

Hey.
I dont know if its just my hormones raging again.
But my emotions are going up down up down all around, i cant catch it.
Sometimes i doubt if i am still entirely sane at all.

I have a barely-there cold but its affected me in a way that i cant differentiate whether im actually tearing or not.
Which might also be a good thing since i can blame it on the cold.

Many a times when the problems start flowing back in, i realized just how i keep trying to swipe it all away.
It happens almost instantaneously, i find myself kinda incredible really.

And its crazy how sometimes when i try to tell people how i feel,
They look at me like, "Yo dude, its just an OGL camp, there are a ton of other events out there. Chill dude, chill."
I guess im either too ashamed or too lazy to explain further.
But in short, its the injustice, the unfairness, the anger.
And no matter how much i explain myself,
I fear i may sound naive.
Its never fair baby, never fair.

And im at the point where i'm just about to carve four lines and a stroke over and over again on the wall beside my bed.
Cas' im going insane like that.
How can no one, when all in my head is how much work i need done and the holidays, i dont even feel for Christmas anymore.
Im going Taiwan for a week or more in Dec, and the restless feeling is there again, just how i felt for HK.
Then i realised, i just wanna sleep, long enough i can forget all i hate.
All i've tried to make work.

I saw C today again.
Seeing his pretty face for a moment, i guess i could say contributed most part of the ups.
Keeping this up, i find myself extremely childish really.
But seeing him becomes like an insulin injection.
Doesnt solve my condition, but it helps makes it better by a little, day after day.

Looking at how he realises he'd walked the wrong direction, to how he turned and how his hair at the back of his head curled in a way that makes me go all fuzzy inside and giggle like a girl.
Thats enough for me, i guess.
But sometimes, after i've walked away, he, hand in pocket, skips away too, i cannot deny even if i wish i could, but it feels like dagger right through my heart.
It sinks and it hurts, knowing that he's there, so close, yet never knowing just how much this silly girl is admiring him, prolly in all directions of him.

For as long as this last, before fate calls it quits once and for all, imma appreciate every moment of this.

Happy Halloween

2010-10-30T10:01:00.000-07:00

r

So my Mum's creativity is improving tremendously.
Well done, really well done, i bet all who reads now is really down right J.E.A.L.O.U.S.
Hmm, im really not being sarcastic this time, why is it that it sounds like i am.

Packed my room, filed my papers, did my I&R draft 2 and had an awesome dinner.
That's how my Halloween weekend went.
Pretty awesome huh.
Yea.

Gah, i have nothing to write about.

I can tell you i dreamt of C today.
Pretended i was surprised i was put into the same team as him in the OGL camp.
If i can even appeal in, that is.

I know this is such a sudden end, but...
HAPPY HALLOWEEN, VAMPIRES!

Uneasily glad.

2010-10-29T06:10:00.000-07:00

Mini C.

Now i think im a crybaby.
To think that crying has become such a norm, im used to it already.
For it to last a few mins, and then im completely back to normal.
Really makes me wonder whether it means im weak or strong.

Anyways, it wouldnt have been that bad if its not for C.
But it would have been worse w/o C.
So im confused.

To see him march in with a group of gals like that and going on and on about this and that.
Isnt the best i would like to hear in that kinda mood.
Then yet again, seeing him appear when im at my most vulnerable,
I couldnt help lightening up.
And even though he was laughing with another gal there,
I couldnt care less anymore.
Im just glad i could see him.
Thats all.

Sometimes, at some point, i just wanna give him all up.
Fate couldnt give us much of any chance.
And i got so much things in my mind, im tired.
Then i realised, even something like this crush, i couldnt keep up.
I dunno what else there is i could really not give up on every time.
Now, if i speak of giving up in anyway at all, please wake me up okay?

Its weird how just yesterday night, i spoke of how scared i am this week, somehow.
I just had this uneasy feeling, even if there only was one working day left, i had a feeling, today will not be the best.
True enough, no mercy was given.
None at all.

I spoke to the Principal today.
He said he would consider my idea of changing my subject combination.
I feel uneasily glad at that.
Glad cas' i would be finally be released from the torture of H2 Maths.
Uneasy cas' i may have to bid my farewell to my fav. classmates.
And just when i was starting to treasure them the most, i bid goodbye.
But please understand me, my dear friends, for we all want a good future.
Im none the same.

Lastly, MT A'lvl is on Monday.
Now i hope all goes well.
Then i can leave it once and for all.

Well, school's ending, prolly next week would be the last of this yr i would see of C.
I hope the last sight would be unforgettable.
Even if it were a peek behind a wall, i wouldnt complain, promise.

And before i end, i wanna thank the people who tried to comfort me.
Pardon me for my anger and frustration and in-your-face-emo attitude today, im sorry.
Im really grateful to have friends like you guys.
I dont feel so lonely anymore, never when i know you'll be there.

How bad it is.

2010-10-28T08:37:00.000-07:00

Curse all fried foods these few restless days!
Now i have a bad dry sore throat.
Life's against me.

Anyways, this week was like a roller coaster to me.
And the fact that the week hasnt even end yet, scares me too.
Finding out that all those friends i've grown to love is really leaving.
And its crazy how real it is.

And for all those months i feared this nightmare coming true.
It didnt and im extremely grateful in all ways possible.
But its giving me the shivers to see parents walking and fuming,
And the students tagging behind.
I feel it.

The disappointment, the fear, helplessness, the pain and the shame to some extent.
I feel it.
And sometimes, being positive is the only way.
I agree to that,
But sometimes, it just aches us to see things going that way.
And in true fact, the amount of pain is about the same.

If JC life is about showing us the hash cruel reality outside, i dunno if i really wanna grow up now.
For my timid heart, i fear too much.

Anyways, on a brighter note,
I finally did it.
It took me about 5mins to finally press my thumb on "send friend Request".
And another 5 excruciating mins to press "Confirm Request".
What was i thinking?
Im not sure myself.
For i only know that there was mayhem in my head.
And a constant shouting,
"DONT MAKE ME GO THERE AND KICK YOU FREAKING ASS! NOW DO IT! ITS NOW OR NEVER!
"WAAHH...CANNOT LAH...OMG...WHAT IF, YOU KNOW..."
"GOD DAMN IT, ITS JUST FREAKING FB, WHAT THE F ARE YOU SCARED OF YOU MORON *&^%*@!"

And its goes on.
Quite long and prolly too vulgar to be legal.

But i did it.
And im partially proud of myself.
Not fully because of the fact that he is still a pretty stranger.
And somehow in the back of my mind, knowing a person this way, isnt the best way i pictured would be.
Maybe i'm crazy thinking i wanted it to be special.
But how special can it actually be when all thats happening is peeking, stalking and waiting.
Not much.

Well, gonna end off by saying,
Give me canning, give me an electric chair, put me in a gas chamber.
No amount of torture can kill me.
Except Maths.

Now you know just how bad it is.

Awefully awesome.

2010-10-27T09:06:00.000-07:00

Two words.
Awfully awesome.

Awesome because C asked for my number!
*Scream
Awful cas' it was a freaking dream!
*Scream

Yup, a DREAM.
Honestly, i really REALLY truly seriously thought it was real.
And i have never felt so happy in a dream before, NEVER.
Cas' i really thought it was real.
His face, everything was absolutely clear.
Every feature, everything possible, was portrayed.

And i rmb how i told myself, "Hah! Finally! Now i can talk to him! AWESOME MAX!"

And i rmbed how i was in the midst of waking up, i heard myself scream," No No No, cannot be. Its not a dream, cannot be a dream. NOOOOOO! Not a DREAM PLEASE!"

There you go.
Waking up wondering whether i should be happy or not.

Exception

2010-10-26T09:05:00.000-07:00

Why.
Must.
I.
Be.
So.
Scared.

Nothing is in my head but OP, C and maybe a little bit of Chinese.
OP went well.
Chinese A's on coming Monday.
But the most failed one would be C.
I didnt add him.
I didnt add him.
I didnt add him.
I didnt add him.
And i am an idiot coming here to spit out all this ridiculous nonsense.
When in true fact, im a weakling.
A shameless, shy weakling, if that even makes sense at all.

Man, now i could live knowing that he's at least my friend.
But that's certainly not even the case.
You have no mercy, Lady Fate.
No mercy at all.

But there's still this part of me that pulling me back.
Not the shyness bit.
But this echo of my mum's voice in my head going,
"A girl should be loved and not pursue love, cas' life's difficult when you love a man first."
I know that, and i ought to learn my lesson by now.
But could i just maybe just prolly just hopefully have C as the last exception.
Could i.

Foolish Damsel

2010-10-25T08:14:00.000-07:00

Hey children.
Get ready for it.
Wait for it.
Wait.
Wait.

I GOT PROMOTED!

Stop rubbing your eyes.
You are seeing right you moron.

Weirdly, and not what i had predicted i would feel after knowing this-I dont feel that elated.
Firstly, maybe it was due to knowing that Sharon may not be joining us next yr.
Secondly, knowing that i barely scrape through, isnt the best feeling either.
But i can gladly say, a load of stress was stripped off me and i can breathe normal again.

Told my mum the news and she said i was to go early one morning and thank the Gods.
She said it was extremely crucial i did for it was very reliable and true.
Now, i guess its not my doing and of the Gods for my promotional.
How flattering mum.

But well, Celeste and i had a mini celebration for ourselves by indulging in some physical exercise after school.
And i myself, having indulged in full view of C while at it, isnt too bad at all.
Athlete's high plus the immense wanting leads to irrational thinking and a whole lot of bravery.
In which i had to waste that wave of emotions and now, having promised i'll add him on fb seems too impossible for me now.

Damn it.

Then i have crazy ideas to befriend all his friends and creep up to him like a disgusting stalker.
Oh wait, i think i already am.
Jeez.

What to do, what to do, for i am a foolish damsel in distress.

Well, i'll prolly dig out my barely-there courage and add him before i go to bed tonight.
For i promise i would and now squeezing whatever irrational emotions i have left in my system, i think i can.
I think i can.

Kinda days

2010-10-23T10:25:00.000-07:00

It's those kind of days when you just loathe yourself.
Just wishing you could be somebody else.
Maybe someone special than yourself.
To be important to somebody else.

Then you wish you are not alone.
But everyone's just the same.
So you wish you could be more independent.

It's those kinda days.

When nothing's right.
And you wanna run away.
So far that no one knows you.

It's those kinda days.

Internet Restlessness

2010-10-19T08:00:00.000-07:00

Hmm.
Oral Presentation went pretty well.
Better than i expected.
Prolly cas' i forced myself to be calm and serious.
Turns out, feedback included, "Smile more"
Yea, great.

Planned to put up some HK pics up.
I didnt.
Internet restlessness.

Well, i had fun.
Apart from the amount i've covered with my two poor, breaking feets, yea, it was fun.
You have no idea how much my legs were breaking beneath me.
No idea.

Well, theres nothing much i can say about HK.
Shop, eat, shop, eat and staring at everyone's fancy shoes.
Oh you do not know just how stylish HK ppl are.
I can confidently say that more than 80% of the ppl are dressed awesome.
Shoes worn not for walking, but to impress.

Oh and the latest trend?
Ankle high sneaker shoes, the brighter, the more vivid and colourful the better.
Weird to see that everything matches with such a shoe.
Believe me, even evening dresses were not speared.

Anyways, i brought a pair.
Everywhere's winter/fall collection, so shopping wasnt that much fun, to be honest.
But i did dig up some awesome clothing, so yup, this girl's satisfied.

Well, i would love to write more.
But, bitter truth, i would prefer sleep.

But before i go.
I saw C today again.
While practicing my OP script.
Which was something i had to do, no matter C was in my face or not.
Apparently, today he was.
And when i say 'in my face', oh god damn it, i mean literally IN MY FACE.
Hmm.
Now i wonder how he became so brave, so as to slot ever so conveniently infront of me.
But in true fact, im couldnt really breathe as i maintained my sanity.
When all i wanted to do is get my ass across, slap that pretty face of his and say, "God damn it, how long do you want to torture me",
Then kiss that god damn lips of his.
Im sorry, im being inappropriate.

He changed his FB user name.
Oh, you didnt have to.
This creep of me have already been stalking you long before, just never had the guts to add you.
Never had the guts to.

Facebook fun

2010-10-19T05:49:00.000-07:00

Rules are you enter the letter into the search box and first name to appear (or at leastone of the first) you must answer truthfully .. (if the same person comes up twice use next down the list) Tag each person you mention. Let's begin..

A. Andy Lau Yexun

1) Is this person your enemy? No

2) Are you friends with this person? Hell Yea!

3) Do you miss this person? Nah, see him five times a week, four weeks a month, for two years i guess.

B. Santhiay Bloom

1) What do you really think of this person? Comical and absolutely epic at times.

2) What's their favorite color? Pink, like duh.

3) Ever danced with them? Wish i could.

C. Ching Hao

1) Do you have a crush on this person? Nope.

2) Have you ever had a crush on them? Nope.

3) How old are they? 17 i guess?

D. Debbie Tok

1) How long have you known him/her? Hmm two years and three quarters and still counting.

2) Biggest regret? Calling her Debbimon. XD.

3) Do you hate this person? To a certain extent, no.

E. Farrel Ee

1) Have you met their parents? Nope.

2) Worst thing about this person? A wee bit siao sometimes.

3) Best thing about this person? Gentleman.

F. Kelly Fong

1) Have you ever dated this person? If outings are dates, then yes of course.

2) When is the next time you will see him/her? Tomorrow morning, sadly. XD

3) Do you go to school with them? Yup.

G. Wei Xian Goh

1) Are they a good listener? At certain times, yes.

2) Have you ever lied to this person? Yup.

3) Is this person nice? To a certain extent, yup.

H. Louis Ho

1) What grade are they in? J1

2) Is he/she your best friend? Nope.

3) Ever done something illegal with this person? He wouldnt dare. XD

J. Jing Xuan

1) Do they have any siblings? I have no idea.

2) Do you know their favorite song? Nope.

3) What would you do if they confessed they liked you? Never happening.

K. Low Kun Kit

1) How old were you when you first met? 17

2) Ever danced with this person? Yup, group dance on stage during west line camp i guess, if thats counted.

3) Ever kissed this person? Celeste wouldnt be happy.

L. Lim Wan Ying!

1) What would you do if you had never met this person? Squeeze her to death.

2) Do you like him/her? Nope. Love would be more appropriate.

3) Would you go to Disney World with this person? Are you like dumb?! Of course i would LOVE LOVE to!

M.May Kwok

1) Is this person older than you? Nope.

2) Is this person single? Prolly.

3) Have you ever got caught doing something bad with this person? Nope.

N. Nixon Chan

1) Is this person your boyfriend/girlfriend? Nope. Wei Qi wouldnt approve.

2) Have you seen this person cry? Nope. But make ppl cry, yes. Cry from laughter that is.

3) Do you know this person's favorite sport? Is dancing randomly a sport?

O. Aishah Osman

1) Do they have braces? Nope.

2) When was the last time you saw him/her? Woah, 3/4 years ago.

3) Have you ever liked each other? I know i did. For the best times in Chem lab.

P. Samantha Lee Pei Joo

1) Have you ever been to the mall with this person? Yup!

2) Are you fairly close to this person? Close enough to know each others speaking habits.

3) Does this person have a job? Keeping awake during lectures.

R. Preethi Rp

1) Have you heard this person sing? OMG, you have no idea.

2) Do you think this person will repost this? Dont plan to tag anyone after this, so, nope.

3) Whats one thing you would change about this person? Get her into JJC instead.

S. Jarrel Tan

1) Is this person taller than you? Requires no answer.

2) Do you enjoy spending time with him/her? For that few meetings and conversations, yes.

3) Do they live close to you? Nope.

T. Caleb Teo

1) When is the last time you saw him/her? Today afternoon.

2) Have you been to his/her house?Nope.

3) Do you like this person? To a certain extent, yes.

u. Umairah Jummadi

1) Do you see this person a lot? Nope.

2) When did you meet her/him? Seriously, i have no idea who she is.

3) What is this person's favorite food/drink? No idea.

W. Weeni Wee

1) Is this person quiet or loud? Quiet for all i know.

2) Name a friend that both of you are close to? Lim Wan Ying.

3) What color eyes does this person have? Brown i guess, since Wanying has already stated. XD

X. Tan Xin Yi

1) How do you know this person? Secondary School.

2) What do you like to do with this person? Her interest in clothes i guess.

3) Is she crazy? I have no idea, since i never really know this girl.

Y. Yan Teng Tan

1) How did you meet this person? HAH! I stole her from Rachel.

2) Is this person funny? At times, she can be a little, wee bit, bit bit, crazy. XD

3) When was the last time you and this person hung out? Today afternoon.

Z. Zachary Ng

1) Do you have any nicknames for this person? Zac?

2) How do you know this person? Westline camp.

3) Ever been to this persons house? Nope.

Obessed starts with the letter C.

2010-10-15T08:38:00.000-07:00

So.
Not really done with the packing,
Cas' im wasting my time in this virtual world.
Gah.

Just had to do some final touches to our ppt slides.
And lets not start with the story of "that" moronic member.
Complained to my Mum and Bro already-had my fill.

Anyways, going to Hong Kong in a couple of hours time.
Crazy that i wanna buy something for C.
Which is like something i'll prolly nvr give.
C'mon, imagine receiving something from a total stranger.
Just weird.
But i just got the temptation.
Must be crazy.

Speaking about C.
I prolly annoyed YT at some extent.
Hah!
C'mon, spear me a thought, i cant help it.
Well, most of the time i swallow it, or else, YT, im sure you'll suffer far worse than what you're getting now, i guess.
XD!

And speaking about crazy.
Man, i've been pretty crazily talkative today.
If i could be like this for Oral Presentation, i would be deemed god.
But most prolly not a good idea, since all the talk was pretty much of nonsense and crap.
Celeste and Alex should know.
Yet, it felt weirdly good after all that.
Like i've thrown a ton of load of my chest.
Though really, all the talk was rubbish, little bits of it was stuffs that i wanted to say in all that i've experienced, just didnt had the guts to.

Well, i made my mum this beaded braceletn a week ago for her-im amazed by my patience.
Wanted to give her just before we fly off to HK.
But its just dumb to carry extra load.
So i thought a better idea to give her just when we come back.
As a thank you gift for spending on her beloved daughter on this trip and all that comes with it.

Anyways, i better get my ass to bed soon.
4am is no joke.

And if you're wonder, which you prolly didnt.
I did see C today.
THREE, actually, FOUR times today.
Plus point?
In close range!
BooHA!
Though the last was a bit embarrassing, since i stood up and took a peek, which was god damn obvious that i had to duck down and dig my head into JunYi's underarms in pure immerse shame.

Book, op script, iTouch with a pic of C-IM ON MY WAY!

Not his type

2010-10-14T09:30:00.000-07:00

Hey.
So today was hmm..
Partial crappy, partial i dunno, less crappy?

I saw C.
Which is mad awesome, since i told myself that i'd prolly wont survive the night if i didnt.
But.
He had to go off with two random, "i'll hate them forever and ever" girls.
Survive the night?
I've already died before that can come.

Sadden.
But i convinced myself, they couldnt be.
I mean, dont look like his type.
Speaking like i know, hah.

Anyways, im going off to Hong Kong for the weekends.
Which is OMG! SHOPPING MUCH MUCH MUCH!
Weird thing is, the anticipation isnt as much as all the other yrs.
In fact, im feeling extremely lethargic, restless, i dont know.
Just extremely upset.
Shopping ya, i want that of course, just, ya know.
Sigh.

I'll enjoy myself when i get there, i guess.

Other than these,
I hope i can see C tmr, before i fly off.
Just a glimpse, can drive my high.
Nope, dont make any sense but, it makes me happy and giggle like a shy baby.
Sometimes, i feel like a creep, hiding and staring.
Sometimes, i'll be all so shy, heart racing, forgetting to breathe.
And when he's finally gone, i'll become all so brave suddenly.
Telling myself, "i should wave at least" or "Next time, i'll smile."
Uber convinced i'll do it.

And after all that drama, i'll always have this immerse wanting.
I wish i knew him, i wish i knew him, i wish i knew him.

Okies!
Enough of that, or i think i'll go on and on!
I dont mind, but you'll prolly stop reading.
I mean, like thats ever happening.
XD!

10/10/10 10:10pm

2010-10-10T07:10:00.000-07:00

Just thought i needed to post something on such a date.
Funny that when i type this, the time is exactly 10:10pm on my laptop.
That makes it 10/10/10 10:10pm.
Awesome.

I suspect Emi has diabetes.
She drinks way too much, pees way too much.
Remains skinny.
I dont know.
No matter what, i'll look after her till the very end.
And whoever thinks that is stupid, well, i just hope you'll reincarnate into a hamster in your next life.

Been pretty listless ever since Friday.
I didnt do well for my Promos.
I can let that go and move on as easily like i always have.
Cas' this time, the most painful thing is the amount of sweat and blood i went through for it.
When i tried so hard, looking at it, i just couldnt not contain it.
I couldnt.

The fact that when i tell anyone, just anyone out there that i really did try so hard.
No one would believe.
And i have to wipe my tears and drown my pain within mins.
Not that i am ashamed to show it.
Its just that theres no one there to hold me anymore.

Just this clenching pain inside, while i stay trigger happy outside.
Why not, i could never be sad.

I dont need the sympathy.
Just a shoulder to cry on.

And its immensely lonely.
I feel like its choking me.
Like a claw scratching and scratching on the surface of my heart.

Now my only plan left is to study, just like how i did for promos.
But this time, its for the Promos Retake.
And you know, once i take this, i miss out on the Yunnan trip.

Funny how instead of going there so that i could have a chance to contribute to society.
I'm here doing something that benefits no one, not even me.
When i wish so much to do something for the kids there, i cant.
I cant.

I dunno whats right anymore really.

Well, sorry for such a horrible post on such a special date.
Happy Weddings out there!

Yea.

2010-10-09T10:32:00.001-07:00

Empty home.

2010-10-07T08:33:00.000-07:00

Oct 2nd 2010
"I hate going home to an empty house.
Its just that, i have this notion that whats the point of going home when there's no one at home?
When i grow up, i'll prolly keep a pet-most prolly a dog.
After a tired, beat-out, having shivered in the cold world outside, coming home to something that's been waiting and anticipating my return.
Something that would jump up and tickle you happy and better.
Thats what i wanna call home.
Somewhere i would want to go home to."

This was one of the older post i stored in my iTouch during the Promo period.
I had a lot, but reading them now, they are pretty much retardedly outdated.
No im not being lazy okay.
Just decided its not really something i wanna put up.

Well, i opened into an empty house again today.
Had to go home early cas i needed to get a whole load of plans done.
But, hah, none was done and here i am.
Why am i surprise.

I forgot to mention that my hamsters are doing an awesome job in making me feel better from coming home when its empty.
Mostly due to Emi's over enthusiasm, thats making me giggle so many times that i doubt im totally sane.

Today started well, ended pretty badly.
If it were to have been that the whole day was bad, it wouldnt feel this horrible i guess.

If i had enough guts and better esteem, maybe i could be a little happier.
If you could do something about it, i wouldnt need to keep killing myself for hoping too much on something thats impossible, no.
I really wish you are my friend, at least.

More of Emi and Hermi here.

When boredom kicks in from studying Biology as the last paper.

Now that i have time on my mind and the year's gonna end.
2010's ending.
The year that symbolizes just as much as 2008.
Now I wonder what happened.
I forgot what was the reason, maybe reasons.
But, when all's over, when we have so many stuff and plans on our busy mind, i realised theres only one thing that never leaves.
And i can never be deny.

I do miss you.
And i guess you might too.

Promos are *yAWN over!

2010-10-04T09:20:00.000-07:00

I swear i gotten some pics.
I swear i even posted some entries into my itouch notepad during the promo week to transfer here.
I swear i got a ton of things to say and an immense eagerness and intention to post something up today-since it marks the end of promos for me.
But.
Yea.
I.M D.E.A.D T.I.R.E.D I C.O.U.L.D J.U.S.T D.R.O.P O.N T.H.E F.L.O.O.R N.O.W.
Actually i already did, for a few mins before bouncing back up-if not, it wouldnt be nice for my dad to see his daughter fainted on the floor along with all the junk thats also on the floor, with the computer on.
Nope, not nice. Not nice at all.

Well, so im leaving for bed with this down-right miserable post.
Hope you realise you've just wasted 2mins of your life.
You're welcome.

Now all i wish for is for destiny and love to come knocking on my door as soon as possible.
Cause there's no need for me to go thru anymore redundant tests.
Just waiting, sometimes, its excruciating.
But i guess its worth the wait, whoever you are, i think you must be an angel to me.
Only time can tell.

Mooncake fest

2010-09-22T08:58:00.000-07:00

So I spent my mooncake fest waking up at 9am, spending 8hrs in sch staring at my notes and the rest of it watching YouTube.
Now, it just gets better huh.

Can anyone tell me why is my left eye twitching for three days!?
And don't you bring any those superstition into the picture!
Can't the twiching be anywhere else?
It is those small annoying things you get like a mosquito bite on the side of your smallest toe.
Crazy shit man.

After watching a couple of mean family members taking vids of their children after they went to get their wisdom tooth out, i want to get that drunk too.
Cas I'm pretty curious what would come out of a mouth like mine.
Hmm, now I wonder about KaiXin.

How, I always believe teachers are all helpful.
Maybe that thought only came to me after I entered JJC.
Yet, now I can take all that crap talk back because, yea, one bastard had to ruin it all.
Have you ever met a teacher whom you sincerely plead for assistance and he can't even bother to try?
He's playing an act, doing pretty darn awesome at it too, and seriously getting on my nerves.
Oh god, it's been yrs since I've gotten so disgusted with a teacher.
But breadface still tops my list though.

Well, other than these,
Do have a better Mooncake fest than me!
And could you pray for me?
At least for the next two weeks.
Promotionals, you're extremely painful.

You give me a little strength

2010-09-20T09:11:00.000-07:00

Days like these, when it drags exceptionally long.
You're out of breath, strength and emotions.
It's nice to whip out your phone, take a look at your fav. photos and smile.
Looking at Emi's and Hermi's photos when they were young,
That feeling, the swirling warmth, the crazy eagerness to drop everything and run home feeling.
There's no good enough words in the world to describe that feeling.
Somehow, it gave me a little more strength to keep goin on.

And when I got home.
There's no one home, despite it being already 9pm.
And you know how much I hate stepping into an empty home.
Hermi's such a lazy bum.
Emi's always overly excited.
What would I do w/o them.

I love you Emi and Hermi.

Banana Chandelier

2010-09-19T01:09:00.000-07:00

Well, finally, i can say, Written Report mayhem is over.
Next up, Oral Presentation.
Sounds extremely extremely fun.
Okay...

I realised studying in the library is SO SO productive.
First, you cant talk.
Second, its extremely motivating to mug with a bunch of people that are studying extremely hard too, esp if they're J2s.
Third, none of your friends are there, at least just the talkative ones.

I kinda figured, the only way i can be one step closer to my dream, is to study hard.
Not to retain and actually finish my A's in two yrs.
Get good results for it, so that my parents would let me do whatever i want.
At least i hope thats how it works out.

Mooncake Fest is coming.
I told myself last yr that i would celebrate it this yr.
Guess i would not.
Again.

Let me tell you about the Banana Chandelier story.
My dad was screaming at my bro.
And my mum was in the kitchen, and just as my dad raised his voice, one banana from the bunch broke off, half naked.
And after a few milliseconds, all the others went slipping down, like bullets.
Man, imagine it and you'll actually find it quite amusing.
Bananas in rebel.

Well, here are some pics for the week.

Mooncake Fest Dinner by my parents!
This is stuffed with real Durians.

More of Emi and Hermi here.

Sometimes i wish you could bump into me and spill coffee all over my uniform so you have a reason to take me to dinner.
Sometimes i wish i could stop looking at you from the distance.
Stop trying to find you amidst the crowd.
If you could say hi, if i could say hi.
If you could ever have the same thoughts about me.
Wouldnt that be nice.

Till then, crushes are nothing but a painful hope.

Mess of a mind

2010-09-14T06:00:00.000-07:00

I've been ultra busy these few days.
Promos are coming.
I dont have anymore brain juice to make this post interesting, so bear with me.

Though its midst the revision period, there is A LOT going thru my mind during this period of time.
I cried in front of my mum.
For many reasons, i just cant find the proper words to describe exactly why.
My Dad just got a DSLR.
And though there are a lot of raging, confused feelings twisting inside of me, i know i have no authority to comment.
I waited for the bus to take me home today, i waited for 2hrs.
And i got so upset, so fist-clenching during this 2 miserable hours cas,
First, i took it so hard on myself, knowing i've just wasted my time, wasted the time i could use to study.
Secondly, it was so depressing to see the rest ride off in their dad cars/taxis, i had to wait for my bus like a poor puppy left out in the rain.

My mind is making a mess out of me.
Though how much i didnt want to admit it, i know, there's this portion of me that is getting myself ready for any departures.
I have no idea if i can do it for promos.
Thats why.

I keep thinking of my future.
Thinking of what i want to be.
And the fact that this thought never went away for years.
And how near and real its gonna be, is killing me.
And its a numbing feeling to know that i, here doing something i loathe so much, yet, out there there are ppl living my dream.
And knowing i could be much happier somewhere else.
I dont really know whats left to think anymore.

And for many childish years of mine.
I cant get C off my mind.
To the point, there wasnt any spare time left to think of Xian anymore.
Which i didnt notice until i realised, i am unconciously skipping songs in my itouch.
Cas', if its not sad songs, if its not party songs, if its not crazy crush songs.
I dunno what songs there is to describe C.
Cas' i barely see him, i hardly know him, and by this time, i should already be bored to my nerves of him.
But i cant get him off my mind and its frustrating.

Im just so tired.
Could everything just stop for a while, let me take a deep breath and out, before i drown in my mess?

(PS. i'll be removing the tagboard, cas' i am getting irritated at the amount of cheap ads accumulating on it. So..Leave a comment in the comment section below instead!!)

Sian-ness

2010-09-07T03:56:00.000-07:00

Yawn.
So it started with my tummy grumbling.
Went to the kitchen and snacked like nvr before.
Got cool yogurt and now im on the com.
Gosh, i shouldnt take any more redundant breaks.

Been doing chem since 1pm.
Not very pleasant.
Didnt get much done too.
Sian-ness.

Well, i have school tmr.
Double sian-ness.
Though i do hope i get to see C.
Booha, i want to be lucky!

Oh, i've been listening to this korean song.
OMG its so cute, i always skip, dance, spin and occasionally act cute whenever i hear it.
Listen here.
And you gotta read the English translation too.
Or else i bet ya' its just gonna be, "Dunno wtf this shit saying la. Nice meh, wth?"

So yea.
Gotta go back to my desk and try to get some shit done.
Raar roar raar roar raar roar raar roar...

My fav. burger from BurgerKing

My Fav. sushi on the far left!

Brought stickers.
And found out my stickerbook run out of space.
What?
I bet most of you collect stickers too what.
Right?
Right?
Okay.

Hoha, till then, enjoy these hell funny vids!